October Round Up

I have managed to keep myself very, very busy this month - hoping that if I don't stop for too long, I won't have to give in to the grief.  I've been out to parties, putting together events, camping with the family, planning for our upcoming vacation - I'm even thinking about going to book club tonight (for the first time in over two years).  Busy, busy, busy.  On the outside, I probably seem like my old self - because in a lot of ways, I am.  On the inside, I feel much different.  So much of my spirit and optimism died with Max.

Meanwhile, the worries have been piling up - the biggest one on my list is about having more children.  I am trying not to think about it too much though because I know I need to be calm about it.  But, patience and calmness have never been my greatest assets.  I guess if it is meant to be - it will be.  But, ugh, I just want it so much and it feels so out of my control.  I feel like I am not even allowed to state the obvious - I should have two children in my home right now.  And, here is the real truth - I'd like two more.  I feel like I must sound greedy.  I know that there are plenty of people who struggle with infertility and I am blessed to have had two beautiful babies.  I know that.  I do. I do.

I haven't yet figured out if this busy thing is working for me.  It keeps me from going too deep.  I don't want to be alone with my own thoughts for too long - they can be really sad and scary.  Being busy keeps me focused on surface stuff instead on the huge huge hole in my heart.  I've got a major vacation in my very near future that I know will be fun but could bring up a lot of sorrow as well.  The good news is that I've nearly made it through this month.  I wish life wasn't so complicated.