Maxie's Rainforest

In my darkest hours, I listened to hours of guided meditations to calm myself down. In all of the recordings I downloaded, I was asked to picture myself someplace peaceful. Every single time, I pictured myself on our beach- the one down the road from our Costa Rica house - the one that Teddy and I got married on and that we brought Maxie to when he was only four months old.  Picturing myself sitting on this beach helped me to breathe. It filled my mind and heart with temporary serenity. It made me feel close to Max.

The first morning that we got here, I went down to the beach and waited for the calm to envelope me. But instead, all I found was the obvious missing and disappointment of life - of having lost Max.  While my friends set up their chairs and towels, I walked down the the ocean. With each step closer, my sadness deepened. And when I finally got in the ocean, I lost it. I cried and screamed WHY????? Why is he not here with us. The sounds of the waves crashing drowned me out as the tears poured down my cheeks. I let the water wash over me with each wave until I'd cried it out. Then I turned around, walked up to our chairs and played with Mo.

I haven't felt this normal in two and a half years. I managed to stay present almost all of the time all week long. I engaged in all of my favorite activities- laughed and ate and drank and swam and sunbathed. It may not have been obvious but Max with with me all week- in such a strong way. I was thinking about him every morning, afternoon and night. I didn't stop thinking about him at all. He was in my heart - as he always is.

Yesterday, we planted just a couple of trees in the rainforest next to our house. We hope that it will become a tradition to plant a tree for Max every time we come here from now on - so that those trees will continue to grow along with our family in his place. It feels like something we need to do. He is never far from our minds. He is always in our hearts. That little boy of mine - he is special to me always and forever.