More than this

I've been thinking lately how far we've come since last year.  Last year at this time, I remember that Thanksgiving felt very unreal to me...that I showed up but I didn't really show up.  A few weeks later, we went to a friends surprise 40th birthday party with Mo and it was really hard.  I felt out of place and people I've known for 20 years pretended like they had no idea who I was so they didn't have to talk to me.  People still do that but I just don't take it so personally anymore.  They are the ridiculous ones - I know that now.  I really feel like we are in such a better place today and I have been feeling comforted by that - thinking that maybe things will continue to get easier incrementally over the years.

Then yesterday we were driving to my dad's house for a Hanukkah celebration and a wave of grief hit me so hard, I couldn't stop crying.  Max should be here with us and I am tired of doing all of this without him.  I hate that he doesn't get to celebrate Thanksgiving or Hanukkah.  I hate that he doesn't know his funny little brother and that Mo doesn't get a big brother to play with and love.  I ABSOLUTELY HATE IT!  And, I hate surviving - that right now the biggest goal in my life is to survive.  The fact is that "better" isn't good enough and neither is a lifetime of surviving.  I want more than this for us, for Ted, for Mo and for myself.