A nearly perfect day

Surfing, followed by naps, followed by birthday dinner with some of my favorite people! 

40

I am forty today and, believe it or not, I have been looking forward to this birthday. I am fine with getting older. In fact - kind of happy about it. 

I can't believe how lucky I am to be in paradise, with a group of people who I love, celebrating life. We've been smiling and laughing and I just wouldn't have been able to imagine any of this two years ago. I never thought I'd smile again. And here is the kicker - I'm happy. If I'm honest with myself, I have to admit that for the most part - I am.

But I woke up in the middle of the night with the most profound sense of missing. I miss him. SO MUCH. And I hate myself for being happy. I really hate myself. Because I love him so much and he isn't here and everything we are doing with Mo is what I dreamed of doing with Max. It just feels WRONG.  I can't believe I fell back asleep - I was hating myself so much....for feeling happy.

So, that's where I am today. Happy. And feeling so sad about that.  And 40. 

No blogs today

We are having too much fun for blogging. 

Travel days

I did not adequately describe our travel day on Friday.  In fact, the way I wrote it, it sounds like we were delayed three hours. That is not the case. The plane was delayed three hours, but since the airport was on lockdown, we could not board that plane. I'd be surprised if anyone was on that flight. No, we were sitting in the cafe of a Marriott Courtyard a few blocks from the airport with a bunch of other stranded travelers. We were trying to keep Mo entertained while we checked the flight and airport status updates.  The communication was awful. There was little to no information about what was going on or whether we could expect the flights to start up again. Every once in a while, one of us would walk up the street to ask the cops stationed there if the airport was opening again. The streets were filled with people and their luggage.  It was a crazy scene. Eventually, we could see that the flight was not delayed anymore and so we decided to bring our luggage out to the street.  We sat on the curb for a while, watching floods of people leave the airport arrivals ramps on foot, pushing and pulling luggage.  Then seemingly out of nowhere, thousands of people started walking up Century Blvd - up, up, up the departures ramp. It was crazy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w78lZ0cluLE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AkFZKSVH1PA

We walked to terminal four - to get there meant having to bypass terminal three, where the shooting occurred and which was still a crime scene . We had to go down an escalator at two, walk past terminal three and Bradley international on foot, before arriving at our destination. Once we got there, we learned our plane had left without us.  So we got in line with hundreds of other hopeful re- routers.  Someone handed Ted a card with the Arline's phone number and once we'd gotten about halfway through the line, the service rep had arranged for us to get on a 9:30 flight to Orlando, with a connecting flight to Miami.  Our original flight was scheduled for 1:30. Our eventual flight didn't take off until nearly 11.  Considering all of that, I'd say my kid is the worlds biggest trooper!  He had one brief meltdown while we boarded the plane, but as soon as the cabin lights went out, so did he.  We had to rent a car at our final destination amd drive 1.5 hours south to the keyes.  He napped when we got to Isla Morada for a couple of hours and then powered through five hours of wedding celebrations! We woke up early Sunday morning, drove back to the airport, flew to San Jose, Costa Rica, had a three hour layover before getting on another plane to Manuel Antonio. He was in a great mood all day, was really easy and had a lot of fun crawling around airport terminals. I actually think it would have been worse without him. At least he kept us entertained and busy!

Anyway, we are here and very aware that what was for us an inconvenience, was for many other people the most tragic day of their lives.

Back in our spot

I haven't been here in almost three years.  I used to come 3 times a year.  I thought I would never come back here.  I had visions of bringing Maxie here every year - to hike in the rainforest, to play at the beach, to see the monkeys (and coatis, and sloths, and toucans)....  I thought Maxie was the luckiest kid in the world to have a piece of paradise to grow up visiting.  The last time I was here was with him.  I thought I'd never come back - because my dreams all died with my baby.

But eventually, I realized that Mo deserves all of those dreams too.  So here we are and I am actually happy to be here. It seems like Mo is too.  We've got lots of "aunties" around - and grandma  -and I'm hoping that at some point this week, we'll feel Maxie's spirit with us too.

Florida

Yesterday was crazy. But I'm so glad we made it here because we had such a nice time at our friend Jesse's wedding. 

Mo was such a good boy! Traveling is so hard on babies. I can remember the last flight we took with Max. It was coming home from visiting Ted's family in CT.  Max missed his morning nap and we were running late. By the time we got on the plane, Max was melting down. I spent a lot of time on that flight with Max in my baby carrier in the back of the plane.  Our flight to Miami started off pretty much the same way with Mo.  Because of a horrifying shooting incident, our plane took off three hours late without most of its passengers.  Somehow we got on a flight through Orlando that left at 10:30 pm. Had we been on schedule, Mo would have done great. In fact, he was GREAT until about 9:30. By the time our plane was boarding, he was melting. People were giving us either major stink eye or major looks of empathy. The melt down continued pretty much until the cabin lights finally went out and then he slept basically the whole trip out. 

Today we have another challenging day of travel. Wish us luck!

In Miami. I'd tell you why it took us almost 24 hours to get here but my phone is about to die. More later.

Halloween playdate

I told Ted that I wanted to dress Mo up as a pumpkin this year - because he is my little pumpkin.  Ted thought Mo would be kind of embarrassed to be dressed as a pumpkin.  "Kids don't want to dress like pumpkins, they want to dress like Star Wars and super heroes".  "He is 15 months old", I said.  Obviously, it was settled - Mo was a pumpkin.  Our SUPER talented nanny, Jessica, made his costume!

Then Ann emailed and said, "When are we doing our Halloween photo shoot?"

Once you do it two years in a row, it becomes a tradition right?

Last year Mo and Riley just happened to have the exact same costumes.  Weird coincidence - especially considering the costumes were kermits and giraffes.  This year, Mo was a pumpkin and Riley was Darth Vader.  Maybe Ted was right?  Kids DO like to be Star Wars - who knew?

Anyway, here it is - a little less controlled than last year.

They kept getting away from us:

Bribing them with food seemed to keep them put for a while at least

It wasn't long before they were off again to explore again

I spent most of yesterday in tears.  I could not stop crying. Sometimes the grief and disappointment is so overwhelming that I don't know how I will get through one more minute of it, let alone a whole day, let alone the rest of my life.  On days like that, I am just counting down the hours until I get to go to sleep.  Thankfully, they don't happen quite as often anymore. They remind me of my life as it was every day for the first year plus after losing Maxie. It was horrific. Still is - I'm just much more skilled at hiding it. I think the fertility question might have pushed me over the edge. I'm feeling just a little bit better today- though still finding it hard to manage getting out of bed. I never ever imagined my life would be this hard.

Run Away With Me

I told Ted that I am so in love with Mo that I wish we could run away together.  Ted looked at me as though I had lost my marbles.  I often use really romantic terms to describe my love for my two babies.  I think men only equate romance with sex.  Maybe it only makes sense to a mother, but the love between a parent and a child is so strong and yes, romantic, that those are really the only terms available to describe this kind of love.  It's a different kind of romance. Max was my soulmate - he really was.  AND I sort of want to run away with Mo.

Mo and I are in a really special point in our relationship.  He is all about his momma and there is no amount of hugs and kisses and cuddles I can give him that feels smothering to him.  He always wants more of me.  When I am carrying him around in my ergo, he'll just grab my face and kiss me.  When I am cooking dinner, he is standing around my legs, hugging them and whining that I won't pick him up.  When we are reading together or watching tv, he lifts up my shirt and tries to bury his head into my belly.  He wants to press his face against mine all day long, and the feeling is totally mutual.

I know it won't be this way forever.  People tell me that this is a phase.  So, my wanting to run away with him is just a metaphor for my desire to bottle up this time together so I can cherish it forever - to remember it with perfect clarity because life itself and all of the individual moments that are part of life is and are fleeting and I don't know how to capture the feelings perfectly enough so that I won't lose them forever.

 I have never been this loved in my life.  I have never been able to hug and kiss and cuddle and not smother someone else with my saying "I love you" all of the time.  It is really special.

Before I know it, he will have his own friends to play with.  After that, he will likely be choosing to watch or play football with dad instead of hanging with me.  Not long after that, I will probably be kind of embarrassing to him.  I want to remember THIS TIME, when I am the person he is most crazy about, forever.

When you see me....

I want you to know that I know when you are pretending not to see me.  I know that you actually do see me.  I know that when you say you didn't recognize me that you actually did.  You were just too scared to say hello.  I know that you are uncomfortable seeing me and that it is easier to just act like you don't recognize me (even though I basically look the same), or like you don't see that there is someone (me) sitting with all of the other people you are saying hello to, or like you are SO HUNGRY that you have to get right to the food and don't have time to look around.  I know that you see me in your peripheral vision but you don't want to say hello because I make you uncomfortable.  I know exactly what is going on because it happens to me all of the time.  I guess I just wanted to say - I know.  And, the truth is that talking to people who feel uncomfortable talking to me makes me feel uncomfortable too.

October Round Up

I have managed to keep myself very, very busy this month - hoping that if I don't stop for too long, I won't have to give in to the grief.  I've been out to parties, putting together events, camping with the family, planning for our upcoming vacation - I'm even thinking about going to book club tonight (for the first time in over two years).  Busy, busy, busy.  On the outside, I probably seem like my old self - because in a lot of ways, I am.  On the inside, I feel much different.  So much of my spirit and optimism died with Max.

Meanwhile, the worries have been piling up - the biggest one on my list is about having more children.  I am trying not to think about it too much though because I know I need to be calm about it.  But, patience and calmness have never been my greatest assets.  I guess if it is meant to be - it will be.  But, ugh, I just want it so much and it feels so out of my control.  I feel like I am not even allowed to state the obvious - I should have two children in my home right now.  And, here is the real truth - I'd like two more.  I feel like I must sound greedy.  I know that there are plenty of people who struggle with infertility and I am blessed to have had two beautiful babies.  I know that.  I do. I do.

I haven't yet figured out if this busy thing is working for me.  It keeps me from going too deep.  I don't want to be alone with my own thoughts for too long - they can be really sad and scary.  Being busy keeps me focused on surface stuff instead on the huge huge hole in my heart.  I've got a major vacation in my very near future that I know will be fun but could bring up a lot of sorrow as well.  The good news is that I've nearly made it through this month.  I wish life wasn't so complicated.

Busy

Sorry for the late post! Was busy hosting a baby shower this morning for one of my besties!

Besheret

I want to tell you how we ended up at Golden Road - because it feels like Besheret (in Hebrew) or Fate (in English).    

After losing Maxie, Ted and I felt there was nowhere safe to go.  Everywhere we went there were babies and before Mo was born, seeing babies was really really hard for us.  They would trigger our deepest sense of longing, missing and loss.  We almost never went anywhere but the few times we tried, we really tried to steer clear of places where we might see babies.  Bars seemed safe.   

When I say we went out - what I mean is that it happened a handful of times, that it was always just the two of us, and that we never actually enjoyed being out.  It felt like a chore - a necessary evil to somehow break up the agonizing monotony of our lives.  It sucked.

And then one day we decided to make actual plans with our friends Suzy and Spencer.  They had seen us in our more grotesque lows, they had stood with us in the darkest hours.  They seemed like appropriate people to go out with.  Ted mentioned a brewery he had heard of in our neighborhood and it was a plan.  We were excited about our first visit to Golden Road.  But then we got there - and the place was crawling with babies and kids in general.  I felt my heart quicken and I thought "maybe I can brave this - if I really just force myself to not pay attention to my surroundings."  I couldn't do it.  We turned right around and left (not before running into my brother - coincidence or fate?)

I was so angry that I couldn't handle being there because I could see that it was JUST the kind of place the "old me" would have loved.  I vowed to come back with the next child we had.  In fact - I vowed to go everywhere with that child - even the most inappropriate places - since everyone else was doing the same!!!! (Obviously, Golden Road is a completely appropriate place but - I think you catch my drift).

By the end of my pregnancy with Mo, Ted had discovered another local pub that we really liked called Tony's Darts Away AND they served Golden Road beer there (not that I was drinking anymore because I was pregnant).  There were occasional kids there as well but by that time, we had come to accept that no place was safe.

After Mo was born - we DID go to Golden Road - and it was as fabulous as I thought it would be.

Anyway, about six months ago (maybe a little longer), I was on a hike with new friend Rachael and our mutual friend, Stacy.  Rachael was asking me about Maxie's Benefit and where we thought we might do it this year.  I told her I just wasn't sure - wasn't even sure if we would do it.  The topic of conversation changed a bunch of times before we got on the topic of places we like to go and I mentioned Tony's Darts Away.  "I know the owners of that place", she told me.  "Maybe you should do Maxie's Benefit there!"  Rachael arranged for me to speak to Amy, one of the owners only a week or so later.  Amy suggested that Tony's may not be the ideal location but that they owned another place that would probably be perfect called Golden Road.  Besheret!

Now - BELIEVE ME WHEN I TELL YOU - I stopped believing in Besheret when we lost Maxie.  I stopped believing that things happen for a reason - and I pretty much still think that is true.  

But, sometimes, something fabulous happens and there does seem to be some kind of divine intervention. This was one of those times.

Sorry - I've been bragging all week - but if you missed Maxie's Benefit, I think you really missed out.  Make a note now to join us next year.

And - thank you to Rachael Petru Horowitz, who arranged this Shidduch (match)!  Total Besheret!

Photos from Maxie's Benefit

Our amazing and generous event photographer, Keren Lynn, shared a link to the BEAUTIFUL photos she took at Maxie's Benefit.  http://www.kerenlynn.com/webalbum/maxie.  

Here are some of my favorites!