Memories hurt

I have been intending on writing about our family trip to Costa Rica for some time now.  Every time I sit down to write the post, I become completely overwhelmed and I stop.  I don't want to forget one minute of that very special trip but the memory of how happy and complete we were hurts too much. Beth, Sadie, Teddy, Maxie and I spent a week at our family vacation home in Costa Rica last January.    It was such a special vacation.  We sat on the beach in the spot where Ted and I got married, we watched the monkeys play on our balcony and pointed them out to Sadie, we dreamed about the day Max would be big enough to see and understand real monkey playing.  How blessed are we that he would have been able to see that so up close on his own balcony.  It breaks my heart so much to think about it.  I wonder honestly if I will ever be able to go back there again.

Yesterday Beth sent Teddy and I the most special care package.  There was a shirt for Teddy and a book about babies for me and some aromatherapy and the most heartfelt, lovely cards - one for each of us, expressing her love for us and her love for and grief for Max.  Teddy and I were so moved.  She also included a little disk with home movies she had taken on our trip last year.

Teddy wanted to get them saved on his computer ASAP.  So, after dinner, I came into the bedroom to read and he went to download and watch them.  Just hearing the voices just about killed me.  Sadie asking, "Where's Maxie?" and always, "MY cousin!".  Ted and Beth and I taunting her, saying, "Is Maxie MY baby?" and she would reply "MY baby!".  We sound so happy.  So proud of our children.  I had to put my fingers in my ears.  It will never be the same.  I asked Teddy to turn down the volume.  He watched the rest of the videos with his headphones on.  He came into the bedroom afterwards looking so sad.  I know he feels like I do....It will never be the same.  Losing our baby is still just so unreal.

I couldn't sleep.  I am in so much emotional pain.  And, no matter how I try to describe that pain here, it still feels watered down.  Because there are no words.  There are no words at all for this much pain...for this kind of longing.  Oh my god!  I long for him so much.  His little face, his squishy thighs, his two toothed grin.  I wish there was another side that I was moving towards but I am gathering that I am just moving towards getting used to this pain.  The idea of living with this pain for one more day, let alone the rest of my life, it unbearable.  It is simply unbearable.  And, the "hope" everyone is counting on for our future with Baby M feels so out of reach sometimes, with his genetics being so undetermined.  How can I throw myself into that hope when I am so so scared?  I know I will love him with all of my heart but honestly, I cannot forget the reality of what I don't yet know.

I was doomed to cry myself to sleep last night and I hate that.  It gives me the most terrible headache.  So, I sat in the living room and spoke to Max.  I begged him to come to me.  I begged him to come back to me.  I begged him to speak to me....to tell me everything is going to be ok for his little brother.  I asked him to please come and sleep between his daddy and I...to give us some comfort while we continue on this journey.  I spoke to him until I calmed down enough to go back to bed and sleep.  His spirit is all I have left.  It is the only thing, other than Teddy, that brings me any comfort at all.  I miss him so much.  It shouldn't be like this.