Baby M's new doctor

I didn't write this morning because I was getting a 3 hour glucose test (more like 4 and a half hours but who is counting?).  I guess my glucose levels came back kind of high when I was checked last week.   So they need to rule out gestational diabetes with today's tests.  I thought being back in the main hospital of Good Samaritan would be a trigger for me, as that is where Max was born, but it was really ok.  The best part of the test is that they give you a little room to nap in in-between blood tests (a total of 4).  As a side note, I used to hate blood tests until Max was born.  In his short life, I saw him get so many blood tests and shots.  He was such a good sport that he really got me over my fear of needles.  Max inspired me in many ways.

Yesterday, Ted and I met with a potential new pediatrician.  She was so nice to take the time to meet with us after hours just so that we could have the opportunity to know her.  We feel like we just got stuck with Max's pediatrician.  The doctor who checked Max after he was born referred us to a colleague of his and that was that.  I never was crazy about him.  He was very cold, but at least I felt like he knew what he was doing.  Then, after Max passed, I spoke to him once and he basically said, "These things sometimes happen", before rushing to get off the phone with me.  The address of his office is still in the "favorites" folder on my car's navigator because I don't know how to get rid of it. My heart stops every time I see it.  The mention of his name makes my throat dry.  I have been so scared thinking about taking Baby M to the pediatrician once he is here.  It was such a terrible experience.

Just being in a pediatric office was a trigger for me.  There are kids around along with kid toys and kid books and most painful, baby scales.  I loved getting Max weighed at his appointments.  I loved seeing him grow and gain more weight.  Proof that my baby was thriving (when I guess he actually wasn't....or maybe he was until that day or that minute, even, that he stopped breathing).  The pediatrician we met with was very sweet.  I know she really extended herself on our behalf.  Like everyone else, she didn't really "get it" - our loss, our pain, our worry, our grief, our fear.  I cried and cried.  She suggested that I see a therapist - a common misunderstanding is that because I am "still" crying that I must not be seeing anyone yet.  But, she did her best.  Nobody understands that the sadness doesn't go away.  She even consulted with the father of a patient of hers who lost a wife a day after she gave birth to their one and only daughter (he writes a blog that I read and just happens to bring his daughter to this pediatric practice) to ask for resources for us.  He gave her the name and email address of his friend who lost her daughter.  I read her blog as well - every day.  I sort of see the pediatrician's connection to them as a sign.  Hopefully, a really good sign because at the end of the day, she can't promise us that she will be able to keep Baby M alive.  In fact, she can't really promise to do anything different than what Max's pediatrician did.  She can only promise to be a different person than him and since his very worst qualities didn't come out until after Max died, I hope I never find out just how different she really is from him.  I have to thank my girlfriend Bianca for recommending her though and basically getting us the appointment.  Seeing a pregnant couple before a baby even arrives is not normal protocol.

Ted never liked Max's pediatrician.  I know that finding someone that he likes is very important to him as well (so it is important to me).  When we left the doctor's office, he said he really liked her.  He thought she was caring and sweet and she did her homework with us.  I agree.  I think it's a done deal.  It's nice to have that out of the way.  Will let you know how the glucose test goes...


Rebecca Patrick-Howard said...

I'm glad you feel good about finding a new pediatrician. We decided to change ours, even though he handled Toby's death well. (He even cried.) I just felt like my concerns weren't taken seriously the week before he died when I thought he was having a seizure and I was never crazy about the office. Our new pediatrician is awesome. he knows I am a paranoid freak and he is perfectly fine with that. He looks like he is about 16 and I can literally call him and say, "There's a problem...we need something done" and he will do it just to humor me. He's a big fan of being safe than sorry and that works out well for me.

In the hospital when Iris was born the hospital on-call pediatrician came in and saw me. I asked her about a sleep apnea monitor since a lot of parents on the SIDS boards got them for their subsequent babies. Not only did she read me the riot act about that, she sent in a social worker to talk to me about it, convinced that I was paranoid and irrational. When the social worker came in she goes, "Would you like some information about SIDS?" I replied, "No, would YOU?"

I knew that the monitor couldn't prevent SIDS. What I did NOT want to do again was wake up to another dead baby. I couldn't handle that a second time. If something was going to happen a second time I wanted to be there. My pediatrician understands that.

PS- Your massage story cracks me up. I've told it a few times myself. Only, when I tell it, I include accents. It sounds like it should be a MARRIED WITH CHILDREN episode, like something that would happen to Al.

Rebecca Patrick-Howard said...

PPS- And by accents I should say that I use the same ones for everything. Nothing racist implied. I like to think they're kind of multi-cultural. Sam thinks I sound like a robot farmer.

Sharee said...

a nap room for in between blood tests is such an amazing idea. I made the waiting room my nap room so luckily I was the only one there. When I'm pregnant, I snore louder than a jet plane. I wake myself up sometimes. I'm so glad you found a pediatrician that you feel at peace with.

Chalice Lindgren said...

Seeing your child grow is a great feeling. It's a sign that you're on track with taking care of his needs. How's baby Max now with his new pedia? I hope all is well and, hopefully, there will be more signs of growth for him.