Time apart

When Maxie was five months old, we left him for four days with my mother so we could attend a wedding in Northen California. This is a decision that still haunts me today. Those are four days of his short life that I missed! The only solace I can find is that it gave Maxie important bonding time with his grandma. I miss him like crazy. I texted home all day long, checking in on my little pumpkin. When we woke up on our last day, my heart was full of excitement. I couldn't wait to get back to hug and kiss him. We stopped at the home of one of Ted's high school friends before getting on the road. I watched their little girl, who was t more than a year old, climb in and out of a chair that was built for her and my stomach turned into knots. I didn't know how I would last the whole way home. THE SIX HOUR DRIVE was too long for me to have to be away from him !! Must I even say what I am thinking right now? Today we go home to our empty house. No babies to kiss and hug. More loneliness, emptiness, and sorrow- FOR LIFE. And I am SO effing angry! I am so angry that I wasn't with Max when he stopped breathing. The last person he saw was not Ted or me. It makes me sick. And I have no answers to ANY of my questions. Did he stop breathing because of a disease? Was there something wrong with his environment? Is there anything that can be done? Do I need to prepare for this again? Not ONE answer! Just platitudes and misery and a bunch of people who can't say anything because they are so worried about protecting themselves. The coroner couldn't even make a hypothesis because he can't be held to it. Sickening! And I don't know if Max was his usual happy self that day. I don't know who played with him. I don't know if he was not feeling good. I don't know how long it took him to die. 3 minutes or 3 days? I want to warn you about this now so there are no surprises later. I have no plans of leaving Baby M - not for a shower, a wedding, a book club, a dinner party. Not for a year at least. Ted worried that it is because I don't trust his care. I do. Of course. But I am not leaving him because I am not missing a thing. Good or bad. I have more regrets, pain, sorrow and agony than I could have ever imagined was possible for one lifetime. whatever joy is left in this life of mine, I intend to be there for and being with Little M is more important to me than being at anything I ever left him for. Period. Forgive me. This post was written on my iPhone.