Strong

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

I am not strong.  I am not brave.

Just as you could never go through what I am going through, I cannot either.

It is killing me.

Living without my baby is worse than my worst nightmare.  There are no words.

If your baby died, you WOULD keep living.  The only other choice is suicide and you would probably not make that choice, though you would think about it.....a lot.

You would not choose it because you would not want everyone in your life to have to feel the pain of losing both your child AND you (even though you wonder whether they would really feel the same pain, since they don't seem to feel it for your child).

Just because I am still breathing, doesn't make me strong.  It doesn't make me brave.

I am no stronger than you.  I am just the unlucky one who lost her baby.

Please don't call me strong.  Please don't tell me you couldn't go through this.

It was not a choice I made.  I would give my whole life and so much more for Maxie to be able to live his.

I have no interest in showing you that I am strong.  I would rather be showing off my parenting skills.

I would rather be showing off my baby.

I am not strong.  I am not brave.  I am unlucky.

Those things are not the same.

10 comments:

Tamar said...

I am beyond sorry that your wonderful, beautiful, perfect son is no longer with you and Ted. It is an absolute nightmare. He should be here, you should be showing off your natural parenting skills with him, and Baby M should have a big brother. It's completely unfair. You have an amazing ability to communicate how you are feeling through this blog. I'm sending lots of love you, Ted, Maxie and Baby M. xoxo

Taryn said...

I’ve probably commented more than my fair share recently, for that I apologize. I have been grateful that you’ve been willing to share your grieving process as a mother with the rest of us. You have helped us grow in our ability to support and love others that are hurting , and perhaps deal ourselves with similar tragedies that life may bring. I have to tell you how well written this post is! You have concisely put your tragedy and daily battle to endure this life into a nutshell that I believe is very accessible for everyone regardless of how much loss they’ve experienced thus far in their lives. After reading this post, I think that those who would previously mutter 'I can't even imagine,' should certainly be able to expand their powers of imagination, and hopefully their capacity to show compassion too. Thank you for your willingness to reach out and try to help us understand a little better what it means to loose your most priceless gift. Sending love and warm thoughts your way today.

Sonia said...

I am so sorry that you have to go through this. It is not right that you have to live this life without your lovely beautiful Max with you. I wish it weren't so.. Thinking about you. Sonia

jessica said...

I am so, so sorry that your most precious boy is not here with you and Ted. It is beyond devastating and oh so unfair. I know you would give anything for Maxie to be able to live his life and I'm so sorry that it is this way. I love you, Ted, Maxie and Baby M dearly.

Tiffany Torres said...

i have a post very very similar to this. i hated/hate when people said/say this to me. it was definitely not my choice to continue to live. i just wanted to be with Julius. and i still just want to be with Julius, but our girl has given me reason to stay here a little while longer. thinking of Maxie always...

Jennie said...

“If you know someone who has lost a child or lost anybody who's important to them, and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died, they didn't forget they died. You're not reminding them. What you're reminding them of is that you remember that they lived, and that's a great, great gift.” –Elizabeth Edwards

I heard this quote today on another blog I follow and my thoughts instantly turned to you. I read your blog every day and my heart aches for you every time.

Also, from the pictures you've posted, Maxie reminds me of Jack-Jack from The Incredibles. Soooo cute! My thoughts are with you.

Leslie K. said...

Oh, Abbs. I wish more than anything you didn't have to go through this absolutely soul-crushing loss. It's just more than any human should have to bear and I know you would give anything to be able to hold Max in your arms again. I understand that you don't think of yourself as strong or want to be called that, but I do believe it takes tremendous strength to just get out of bed every day in the face of such grief and put one foot in front of the other, let alone share every aspect of your experience so honestly and articulately (is that a word?) and attempt to connect with others and to life in the ways that you are able right now. Love you lots, cuz. Big hug.

Daphna said...

I love you...

Steven M Stuart said...

I will disagree with you perception of strength on only one point...you have been given every reason to opt out of life and you have chosen to stay. That is a strength I reach for every day, and to see it in you inspires me to keep finding it in my daily life...so, in that, you are quite strong.

Kathy Hales said...

I'm so sorry if my comments about being brave in a previous post bothered you--I'm one of those people who just doesn't know what to say and sometimes the wrong thing comes out. So what I should say is that I am so sorry you lost your love, Maxie, and my heart goes out to you. I am trying to learn what to say when others experience the loss of a loved one. Thank you for teaching me.

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