How I am feeling - pregnancy wise

This is a conversation that I have regularly:  Someone will ask how I am feeling and I eagerly respond about how hard losing Max has been. How I just can't believe I am living in a world without him and how... This is where I usually get cut off.  "No", they say "I mean how are you feeling with your pregnancy?" Silly me.

 I feel pregnant. I can't imagine why that matters, but if you really want to know, I'll tell you (is this actually interesting to people?)
 My back hurts. I think I've made that clear.
 I'm tired.
 I am very large. Just entering my third trimester now, I am as large as I was halfway through it with Max.
I have bad acid reflux. I had it with Max too but not until the seventh or eighth month. I can't eat anything without feeling it in my esophagus later. (Poor Maxie. He had acid reflux and cried for days. My reflux makes ms think of his pain).
I can't find a comfortable position to sleep in. I've used all kinds of pillows. They aren't super helpful. Baby M kicks a lot, which I love.
My glucose test came back negative for gestational diabetes, so that's good news.
Is this the stuff people are really asking me about? Honestly, I'm having a relatively normal and easy pregnancy, like I did with Max.
I gotta be honest and tell you that sadly, I know a relatively normal pregnancy is no indication of my baby's future health and happiness.

I am not having an unusual pregnancy in any way OTHER than the fact that I am devastated.  There is nothing going on that most pregnant women don't complain about EXCEPT that this is a baby who is supposed to have a big brother and doesn't.
Our Baby M looks great and that would be a comfort IF his big brother didn't die and if we were weren't anxiously awaiting the "results" of our genetic testing (which probably won't tell us anything and we won't hear a word about until at least mid-May).


But maybe you are asking because it gives us something to talk about other than Maxie? 
If so, sorry I spoiled it by answering all of your questions here. 


5 comments

Tiffany Torres said...

o how my heart aches WITH you. i know all of those feelings well. i tried my hardest to avoid everyone so that i didn't have to deal with some of those thoughts that they were happy for my pregnancy because it meant they could stop talking about Julius (or thinking about him). keeping you and baby m in my thoughts and prayers. thinking of Maxie always...

Becca said...

People are so weird. I think the "how are you feeling" question is just one of those automatic responses to seeing a pregnant woman, kinda like "Do you know what it is?" But then to cut you off in the middle of talking about how you're REALLY feeling? So weird. And cruel.

We did plant something for Maxie! I couldn't find a pretty/nice enough tree so we did a big hydrangea instead. I live in the pacific northwest and those seem to do really well here. It already has a ton of buds so I will send you a pic when it blooms. =)

Maxie's Mommy said...

That is so beautiful that you planted a Hydrangea for Maxie. That is beautiful. Thank you!

Robyn said...

I am sorry that baby m will miss out on having maxie to learn from, play with and have as a partner in crime and I am sorry for Maxie that he won't be able to experience all of these things either. Baby M will only know Maxie through the stories that will be told about him, which is not the way it should be and I am so sad and sorry about that.

Love from a partner in the war against acid reflux. Long live tums.
Xoxo.
Robyn

NikaM said...

I always hate when someone asks about my pregnancy and then tells me how great it is that "this one will make up for the two I lost." I'm already a raging bag of hormones, and that just makes me want to start punching people.

This is my first time reading your blog, by the way, and I have to say that Maxie is absolutely beautiful. I'm so sorry he's not here with you.