A few things I learned on vacation

What I learned on vacation:

1. That I am lucky to have a husband who is attentive, emotional, intelligent, funny and loving.  The question about where I would be right now if I had a different husband to have to go through this with has crossed my mind.  I would not be as healthy as I am today.  As agonizing as it is, Ted gives me strength to get through another day.

2. That it is possible to pretend for moments, even hours at a time.  We pretended to be a version of our old selves while on this vacation.  The old Ted and Abby would have made friends, participated in activities, and made sure that we soaked up as much of the action as possible.  The new Ted and Abby avoided conversation with others (well, at least the new Abby did), didn't participate in anything, stuck to ourselves.  We managed to hang around the periphery though and have a nice time watching other people do the things that we used to enjoy.

3. That there is still some joy to be found in this life.  It looks much different than it did before and it is a poor substitute, quite frankly, but, when you least expect it you may find yourself laughing hard.

4. That "all-inclusive" only looks totally awesome for the first couple of days.  I retract my statement from the first day....Ted and I will not only be taking all-inclusive vacations from now on, though we might do it again here and there.  There was a retired Canadian couple we met at dinner one night who were down there for two weeks.  We didn't envy them. 

5. That whatever goes up must come down...or that coming back to reality isn't easy.  Yesterday was SO challenging, I won't even be able to do it justice.  I spent most of the flight home in such a shoulder-shaking bout of hysterics, I feel hungover from the pain of it this morning.  The flight home was FILLED with babies under 2.  A mommy walked her sweet baby up and down the aisle to soothe him and I wanted to die.  My cry of anguish returned with force - Why Max?  Of all people on this earth to be taken from me...why my Maxie?  What did I do wrong?  How could I have prevented this?  Why I am being punished in this way?  How did I make god so angry? 

6. That when there is a resort photographer - take advantage of it.  We got very few good ones.  Mostly we looked at the photos and wondered who these two old people were, but we managed to pick a few for Baby M's album.  Here's the cover.  If you didn't know us, you may not even know how deep our suffering runs.


Lesley said...

Gorgeous picture. Proud of you for getting away for a while and for acknowledging the pain while also allowing yourselves to let some laughter sneak in. Baby M is already so lucky to have parents like you two.

Rebecca Patrick-Howard said...

You all look so cute. :-) I was wondering, though...did Ted decide to grow his beard out after Maxie died? I am asking because Pete did. he'd never had one before. His reasoning for growing it is because he felt like something should physically change about him since he felt different on the inside. (Or something like that.) I like the beard.

Never done all-inclusive before. Sounds like a good idea but is it kind of regimented? Do you get a lot of choices? Our vacations in the past have been a little nomadic: hostels, camping, road trips, off the beaten path...when I was pregnant with Sam we went to Bosnia for our babymoon. Obviously, our trips have changed somewhat since then. Now, I require more stars in my hotels. Now, I actually require hotels. :-P

Glad you guys did manage to have some fun. You deserved it.

Rose said...

I love you guys, good to see you on the beach-- such a great picture.

Allisonkovac said...

Beautiful photo/beautiful people.

maxiesmommy said...

It's not restrictive. We are just used to much more adventurous vacations. After three days of the same pools, people and food it just gets same-same. I went to Club Med when I was single and could have stayed an extra week or two! Also, a bet all inclusive is fun with kids and easy too. Maybe we just weren't in the right frame of mind at the end. More on Teds beard in a later post.

greg said...

Beautiful pic Abs and wonderful to see you with a smile that big even if you only smiled for that one instant. That same pic also makes me think about the itchy-beard factor in tropical climates, but that's another topic.

Miss and love you both. Thinking of you, Maxie & Baby M all the time.

jessica said...

What a beautiful picture. It is perfect for the cover of Baby M's book. Thinking about all 4 of you and sending lots of love your way. xo

Erin White said...

That's a lovely photo, Abby.

I still think about you, Ted, and Maxie almost every day. In fact, Maxie was in my dream the other day. You and I were caring for him in a hotel room. His sweet little, fuzzy, round head stood out the most.

robyn said...

that really is a beautiful picture of you two. i am glad that amongst the hard times there were some moments of joy...you two are such fabulous people and i am so happy you have each other. thinking of you all...you, ted, beautiful maxie and baby m.