The final stretch

I am very protective of this pregnancy and Baby M.  You can't imagine how conflicted I feel talking about him.  My heart is so wrapped up in him already.  I am so attached.  But, I don't really want to talk about it with you.  I have been so alone in my grief since losing Max that I don't want to let anyone in (except here) and when I do let people in, I sometimes regret it, as I have mentioned.  They are insensitive or like to "Pollyanna" the whole conversation.  I don't want Baby M to be a tool in anyone's grief minimizing ways.  I don't want Baby M to be what you use to get yourself off the hook.  I am not having him to make you more comfortable (I know you are smart enough to know that but still.....) He is my world.  He, like his brother before him, is the most important thing in my life and I can barely stand the people who don't grieve with me over Max, fawning all over the idea of Baby M coming.  It's so awkward when people talk about Baby M and don't mention Max.  Honestly, I feel awkward for them.  Again, one of those things that may not make sense to an outsider, but is how I feel.  As I have mentioned, it takes a lot of "letting go" and deep breathing for me to even picture Baby M living a long and healthy life (that is rightfully his!), so the way that idea comes so easy to everyone else sometimes feels like a slap in my face...after all, I am the Mommy.  All I want in the whole world is for Baby M to be safe and for Ted and I to experience the joy of parenting him until our last days here on earth.  I could go on and on but suffice it to say, it's complicated.

My friend Greg emailed me the other day to say he thought I should address Baby M's arrival on my blog ("not that you are taking requests for content, like a radio show or something", he said).  But, he felt confused and imagined others might also.  Is he allowed to be excited about Baby M?  Can he buy Baby M presents and take his picture?  Will I want people to visit Baby M and hold him and stuff?  Good questions.  Not sure I have the answers for all of these things but it is time to address them because yesterday marked the first day of my third trimester.  The next three months will fly by (for everyone but me....more on that later).  First of all, we are very excited about Baby M.  We love him.  He is a dream come true.  Truly.  So, yes, celebrate him!  Can you buy him presents?  Sure...but maybe wait just a little longer.  I am scared.  PLEASE take his picture (and in fact, I keep writing this, but if you have ANY photos of Max you haven't shared with us...please do!  They would be the best gift of all).  Take his picture, take video, and SHARE THEM!  I kick myself everyday that I don't have more photos of Max.

Please be excited for us about Baby M but try to keep it in your mind that Baby M's arrival doesn't cancel out our missing Max.  It doesn't.  Upon hearing the news of my pregnancy, more than one person said, "See?  I told you everything would be ok."  Ugh.  I don't think I really need to reiterate that it still isn't "ok".  Never will be.  Please remember that Baby M is due the week after we will be commemorating the one year anniversary of our losing Max.  Please find it in your heart to acknowledge that.  I imagine that it will be a very tough time for us, even though Baby M's arrival will coincide.  I have a hard time every day knowing that I while I am counting down the days until he gets here, the same clock is running toward the anniversary of our worst days (July 19-21).  It is a blessing and a curse.  I am not sure how up for visitors we will be, but Baby M will be a little Jewish boy and he will have a bris just like his brother did.  We hope our friends and family will come to the bris and at least get to meet him there.  I am not sure if I will feel comfortable passing him around like I did with Maxie at his bris.  I am already overprotective of him.  That's probably how it will be for a while.  I imagine that my back will hurt even more after Baby M gets here.  I'll have to really utilize my baby carriers often and correctly.

The next three months feel like an eternity.  I have to believe that when Baby M gets here, life will be better than it is now.  Although I am working, I am at home alone and the days go by so slowly.  I take breaks often because I am too sad to concentrate.  I spend all day counting down the hours until Ted gets home and all week counting down the days until the weekend because the time goes a little quicker when Ted is around.  Sometimes we find out at the last minute that Ted has to work over the weekend (like today).  All of a sudden, I am home alone for another whole day.  Coming up with a plan to make the day go by is overwhelming.  I could work (doesn't make the day go by quicker).  I could watch tv (makes the day go slower in most cases).  I could leave my house (to go where?  Plus, there are babies everywhere).  I can go to the gym (I try to go throughout the week but I can't really walk on the treadmill for more than 40 minutes or so before the round ligament pain starts to be too much).  I don't feel comfortable going to a prenatal yoga class, which makes me sad.  I SO looked forward to my prenatal class with Max each week (I don't want any moms asking me the dreaded questions - is it my first?  Oh, it isn't, do you have a boy or a girl?  How old is he?  I don't need to feel worse or scare the daylights out of any other pregnant moms).  I can go get a $25 foot massage (that only takes up an hour and I just did it yesterday).  Honestly, I need a new hobby or something.  I tried knitting - it didn't stick.  I feel a biological NEED to "nest" but I can't.  Nesting would mean going into Maxie's room and getting it ready for Baby M.  The thought is suffocating.  I am not ready to start buying him anything or going through Maxie's clothes or going through Maxie's things.  I can't read about the latest breastfeeding pillows or other cool gear or go to a Baby's R Us to buy any of it.  Ignoring this biological urge to prepare for a baby is super painful.  I spent the entire second half of my pregnancy with Max getting stuff together - putting together a registry, looking for a crib, reading baby books.  This time all I've bought the baby is a Snuza breathing monitor that will attach to his diaper so that an alarm will go off if he ever stops breathing for more than 15 seconds.  I am looking for a new hobby - a way to kill time - something, anything to help me pass the next three months quicker than I have passed the last nine.  Please!  I am taking any and all suggestions.

While I am on the topic of suggestions - I am looking for a few more:
1) I am getting a Maxie tattoo.  Ideally, I want to get it before Baby M gets here.  I am hoping to find a tattoo artist who can help me design my vision because I can't find anything online and I am not artistic myself.  Anyone know a local (LA area) talented tattoo artist?
2) I am looking for new recipes because I make the same 7 things over and over again and we need something new in our rotation.  Quick and Easy recipes preferred!
3) Please suggest something great for us to watch on television.  Ted still watches "Game of Thrones" which I had to stop immediately when a lady was ordered to turn over her baby on some episode a few weeks ago.  It is too dark for me.  The Bachelorette is coming in a few weeks.  You KNOW I am excited about that!  We are watching "Sons of Anarchy" and "Arrested Development" on Netflix. Still watching Parks and Recreation, The Office, and Modern Family.  You'd think that would be enough.  It isn't.  Help us out!

Thanks.  If you still have questions, I have answers (probably).  Let me know.