Eyes like Eskimo Pies

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

I woke up this morning having had such a vivid dream of Maxie...or was it Baby M?  In the dream it was Baby M, but the face, the little body, my relationship with this baby: it was just like Maxie.  We were in Costa Rica and I was trying to change his diaper but I only had size 2s (leftover from Maxie) and Baby M needed a size 1.  He was smiling at me and rolling around, just like Max.  The energy I felt with him was Maxie's energy but I was very aware that it was Baby M and not Max.  I worried he would die.  I kept taking blankets out of his crib but somehow he would manage to pull them back in.  I would move stuffed animals and boppies away from him but I would turn away from a second and they would be back.  He kept staring in my eyes and smiling.  I woke up with my heart pounding.  I can't believe this is my life.  My only visits with my son are when I am asleep.  I am devastated that I don't get to watch him grow up.  I can't believe I have to live my life with this broken heart, knowing that the pain will never go away, just become something that I get more used to.  It's terrible.

I've been away from home a lot in the past two weeks, but always thinking about Max.  He is never off my mind.  The medium I sat with on Sunday commented on Maxie's beautiful big eyes.  My dad said his "eyes were as big as eskimo pies".  They were lovely.  They were blue.  We checked every day to see if they had changed colors but they hadn't.  He would have grown up with beautiful big blue eyes, with one little corner of brown.  He had long eyelashes and perfect eyebrows.  While he laid in the hospital, I ran my fingers over his smooth eyebrows over and over while singing, "I love...everything about you.   I love everything about you."  My beautiful baby.  My wonderful little boy.  I still love everything about you.  I ALWAYS will.


Bianca said...

Maxie's eyes were so big and beautiful and expressive! They had so much light and brightness and very much gave off a wise old soul vibe. And that big flirty grin, oh my goodness, so, so delicious! It is terrible that you have to live without your boy, your son, your sun, your Maxie. I am so sorry and I hope and have to believe that you will be reunited somehow.

Chantelmurrah said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish there was more that I could say. He was absolutely beautiful.

Chantelmurrah said...

Here is a link to a blog written by a father who lost his little baby son to brain cancer. It is very well written. I thought you might want to read it.


Whitney Moss said...

Hi there, my friend Hope posted your link on Facebook. What a beautiful tribute you are creating to your son. I can see he will always be with you because you doing such an excellent job of documenting your memories and reflections. I am so sorry for your loss of that perfect little boy.

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