I'm Sorry

I am told that perhaps my post below was too harsh.  Perhaps it was.  I am sorry about that.  I think that the comment made on the blog is probably true.  Perhaps people don't feel comfortable to express themselves so it is easier to tell me the empathetic things that their children say. I know that I can be just as insensitive as the next person.  I actually don't expect people to know that the things that they say hurt me.  People are often surprised by what hurts me.  I am often surprised by what hurts me.  Perhaps it is because I suffered the grief of not knowing if I would meet the right person, get to have children, have my own family...that I feel so hurt by those people who had it all way before me still having it while I don't.  I am jealous.  Crazy jealous.  And, I can't figure out what you did right that I did wrong.  You should be proud of your family and the wonderful, emotionally intelligent children that you have.  I would be proud if they were mine.


NikaM said...

For what it's worth, I don't think you were too harsh. No one really knows how to react when things like this happen, no matter what side of the situation they are on. Sometimes it's good to set boundaries like that, even if they are only temporary.

Sending you lots of hugs and prayers.

rebecca Patrick-Howard said...

I talked to my husband about your post and we didn't think it was harsh. It's how you feel and you're entitled to that. I know that with my friend, A, who lost his partner he likes to hear the things that Sam says about him. (When Toby first died he told everyone that he went to be with Jim.) It makes A happy to hear these things.

BUT...other people are different. What I am sensitive to might not be the same things that you are. Doesn't make either one of us right or wrong, just different. After Toby died a friend of mine had her daughters draw pictures for me. One was actually a beutiful picture of a young girl sitting under a tree in a field. It was this young artist's version of Heaven. Another one drew a picture of Toby smiling. I hung those in Toby's room. They felt more heartfelt than most things people said to offhandedly. You know, all the sayings "He's in a better place" that we get all the time.

On the same token, I hid my friends who had babies in the same month that I did. I couldn't watch their milestones, knowing that they would be his. Eventually, I "unhid" them after enough time had passed. I never told them because I didn't want to make them feel bad and I did check in on them from time to time but it was just too hard to have that constant reminder.

There's a fine line between what's going to be helpful and what's going to be hurtful. That line changes a lot, too. What breaks your heart today might be uplifting tomorrow. Or, what you find helpful today might be a ballbuster in the morning. I don't think there's any rhyme or reason to how we feel and there shouldn't have to be. It's just up to us to sort those feelings out and figure out what to do with them. That's what you do with your blog and that is commendable.

Abby Leviss said...

I can see why it would be comforting too (the pictures, that is). Maybe it's because Max was my only child that I just feel gutted. I don't know why.

Sanetha said...

I understand your pain because I also grieve for the loss of my son. But here is the difference. I choose to live with his spirit and I choose to be around anyone who wants to be around me. I choose to deliver inspirational messages and help others who have lost loved ones. I have been reading your posts and I will be honest with you. You are pushing people out of your life. You talk about how you have lost friends and how they avoid you.. I can feel your pain miles away. If you truly want to move through your pain you should not walk around or away from it. You need to comfront it. You need to deal with every single thing that makes you uncomfortable. I have just finished writing a book that I was writing when I lost my son just 8 months ago. He helped me finish the book which comes out this fall. He walks with me, talks to me, and even touches me. You can have all that too. Please choose to be with your Maxie. He mourns for you. I not sorry to tell you this.. I feel you need to hear this. Love & Light, Sanetha

rebecca Patrick-Howard said...

I think the last thing Abby is doing is walking around the pain or away from it. In fact, writing about it in this blog IS her way of working through it. It might not be pretty and it might not always be nice but it's hers and this is a path that we all have to walk down on our own.

I believe that eventually the things that hurt Abby now will not sting as much in the future. Then again, some might hurt harder. But she will face them when she's ready.

We are all different. I don't think we should compare how we have dealt with our losses in a way to push the other person to try to do something that they're not ready to.

Jkbrumbaugh@gmail.com said...

No one should think its harsh.... You are a mom that lost her baby its so painful beyond anything else..... If people don't understand its their problem. I commend you for working in your grief your own way and sharing feelings, it might help to know that it has helped me. I personally can't see the babies that were born around the same time as our sons. Most friends understand others you know what its just too hard ( and it is harder for you way harder I know that) for them or it hits home like my friend says they realized its a slap in their face that it can happen but I'm sure they all care. Here in NJ know that my husband, Jared and I have you and Ted in our prayers. I will like to mail you something. I don't know how the email works in here. Kira

Sanetha said...

You are absolutely right about that her writing about this is not walking around it. She is reaching out and screaming for help. She does not know what to do or where to turn. I simply put my hand out to her to let her know there are alternatives.

I choose the light.. the love and joy that my son brought me and brings to me every single day. I celebrate his life because we never die. We are all very different indeed and so my perspective just might help shine a glimmer of hope for someone reading this post. It is my intent to help others who suffer the great pain and sorrow and turn that energy into love, joy and happiness.

Some choose the pain because they feel that is what will keep them going. It is all of those different emotions that each of us has to deal with. There is no right and no wrong.

In the meantime all the family and friends around them who also feel the loss are watching and feeling the pain and suffering and have no idea what to do, say or help. I hope someone reads this understanding that we can change our feelings, seeing and hearing with a new set of eyes and ears. Love & Light Sanetha

Susan Ireland said...

I didn't think it was at all harsh either. I remember someone on a mothering forum telling me a few weeks after Catherine had died that I was being unfair, if I wanted other mothers to talk to me about my child, if I didn't want to hear about their (living) children. WFT!!! I MEAN WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE - as if my need to talk about my recently deceased 4 year old is anything like the same as them delighting in their own living children and the darnest things they say/do etc.

I think the problem is - children dying unsettles people. It makes them realise how vulnerable they are - after all, their child could die too. They would rather not be reminded about it - so would you mind just shutting up. If they do acknowledge it, they want to think about death as being "a bit sad". They want to believe you got better after the funeral - and that you now have the odd whimsical moment on special days - (like B'days) or the odd sad tear in your eye on Christmas day - and that other than that - you are basically OK. You being here - prattling on about your intense pain - is difficult for people. It basically frightens the shit out of them.

Couple of things - first, I like your blog. It reminds me of the stuff I say - very affirming to be echoed!! :) Second, very few real life friends know where my blog is - but where they have read it, it has often caused trouble. People don't like how they are portrayed - I think it is a pretty generic problem for bloggers everywhere.

Much love to you, and yours x