I've always been pretty independent.  I lived by myself for years before Ted and I moved in together.  I've traveled all over the world by myself.  I have always had a lot of friends but never felt like I needed to call, or text, or hang out with someone all of the time.  I've always really enjoyed alone time.  But, something has changed for me in these past two and a half years.  I think I've become co-dependent.

Ted works long days.  He also goes through periods of longer work weeks too.  I knew this was a part of his job description when we first started dating.  Before we lost Max, it was something I was used to.  In fact, the first year we lived together, Ted worked every Saturday.  I made plans with friends, or went to the gym, or hung out with my family. 

Since losing Max, I miss Ted more every day.  I start missing him early in the day - like mid-morning - and by the time early evening rolls around, I am counting down the hours.  I feel so alone in this world, Ted is the only one who really understands me.  He is the only one who feels like I feel.  He is the only one who doesn't try to keep me from thinking of Max - because he is thinking about Max all of the time too.  Other than writing about it here, I feel like Ted is the only one I can really share my feelings with and not worry how he will react. 

For more than a year after Maxie stopped breathing, Ted and I had a hard time communicating.  He preferred keeping all of his feelings bottled up inside - I couldn't stop myself from crying and screaming and talking if I tried.  I felt like the pain was tearing my insides out and the only way to manage it at all was to talk about it.  Talking relieved the pressure that was constantly building just a little bit. 

Now, I talk a lot less and Ted talks a lot more.  We've almost met in the middle (I say "almost" because of course, he'll never talk as much as me - most people don't).  Our marriage has grown stronger.  We are a team - working towards the same goals - hoping to find a way to create happiness again.  I get so lonely without him.  I know it is crazy.  I know all couples need time apart but I feel like a part of me is missing when he is gone.  I feel so alone without him.  And, even though I am playing with Mo and we are enjoying each others company, there is a 2 hour window every evening before Ted gets home where I feel like I might lose my mind without him.  Music helps a little.  Sometimes Mo and I watch a movie or TV show.  Sometimes we read.  No matter what we do though, I cannot settle down until Ted gets home, which is probably a lot of pressure for him since I start texting him at 5 with messages like "Come home!  I am so lonely without you!" or "#lonely!" 

Poor Teddy - long hours and a co-dependent wife.  I'm not sure what to do.  It's still morning and I am missing him already.


Anonymous said...

It's not co-dependence it's the bond. Ted is the only person in the world who has gone through what you have. I'm sure he feels exactly as you do - that he misses you terrible and cannot wait to return to you but as you point out, your feelings (and therefore your actions, like texting) manifest themselves differently. And even if it is co-dependence, aren't we suppose to depend on each other when we love each other so deeply and are the only ones in the world who will ever understand what we're going through?

Jayden's Mommy said...

This post brings a smile to me because i feel the exact same way. I miss Jared so much all the time. I text him too a lot. I also used to be so independent live by myself and travel a lot. I'm glad that we are so together and it's good to hear that you and Ted are closer than ever. My pediatric said after we lost Jayden "I'm mostly worry about you both". "I seen this 6 times in the past 25 years in our practice and 5 of those couples ended in divorce". Now almost 2 years later he is always telling us how glad he is we are still so close. And he doesn't know but we are closer and stronger together. We are bless Abby we have amazing husbands and the best dads for our children. Thanks for writing my friend. I had just sent Jared 4 text messages and its only 10:30 am and I read this and feel normal. Many hugs to you all and always thinking of Maxie and Mo. Kira

Seeing Each Day said...

Even though the reason for your bond (in agreeance with the first comment about it being a bond as opposed to co-dependence) is completely far from beautiful, the actual bond itself and the fact you are such a team and clearly love one another, is beautiful.

robyn said...

Just as Jayden's mommy said, you have an amazing husband and father to your children. i am so sorry that you both are going through this and living with so much pain and sadness, but i am so happy that you have each other. you are both fabulous people, amazing parents and wonderful together as a team.