Died.  It is so hard for me to say that word in reference to my child.  He died.  I HATE saying that.  I say "We lost our baby" or "He passed" because I need to take the sting out of it for myself.  I hate that it softens the blow for whoever I am talking to - why should everything be softer for them?  But, the words hurt too much coming out of my mouth.  They hurt no matter what I say but the word "died", it is just too too much.  Another mother I have gotten to know since she lost one of her children stopped talking to a friend who described her daughter as "dead".  Of course the friend meant no harm, she was simply stating the situation as it is.  The child died.  But the bereaved mother's ears hurt, her heart hurt, her whole body shook at hearing the word.  It feels too unreal.  It hurts too much.  It is too effing awful to be real.  But, it is true.  I did not "lose" my baby.  He did not "pass".  What happened is too awful to say.  It's too awful to think.  And, yet, it is the truth.  My child died.  And, it's just eating me alive to think about.  This pain is unsustainable....and still, we go on. 


Fiona said...

I'm the opposite. I said "he died, Jude died" on a continuous loop for the first few weeks. I think it was my way of absorbing it.
Now I always say dead/died and I wait for the flinch. I just can't spare people from my reality.

Jayden's Mommy said...

I can't use the word die. Up to this day we have never told our older girls their baby brother die/death. We lost him for now and we will see him in a paradise. I know I know one day someone is going to say it to them and we would have to explain it but for now I can't use it. Writing it in here I think it's the first time it hit me I can write. But I can say out loud. It hurts way too much. Too painful. Sorry Abby I wish our story was different.