It started while we were in the hospital and has been continuous since then.  An outpouring of love and help in our darkest hours.  We were family only at the Tarzana PICU with Max but I had to let someone else in and I texted my best high school friend, Bianca.  She came to the hospital to be with us by Max's bedside, to hold us and to cry with us and to say a final goodbye to our little boy.  For many, Bianca became the lifeline to us, letting everyone know what was happening, telling them to include Max in their prayers, and then finally, breaking the news that at 5 pm on July 21st, we were going to have to take Max off life support and kiss him goodnight forever.  That evening at 5, many of our friends lit candles in memory of Max.  First my father's rabbi, Sela, came to say a last prayer over Max's bed with the whole family.  Then my HUC teacher and friend, Rabbi Jeffrey Marx came to be with Ted and Max and I in the final moments before we had to let go.  I cannot describe the feeling of getting in our cars to go home without our baby - empty carseat in the back - whole life empty and unreal.  We went home with our families to drink and and cry and talk away our sorrows.  While we were here, many of our friends gathered together at Tamar and Mike's new apartment to do the same.  The next day and many days after, there was a small vigil in our home of friends and family, here to help us through some mundane and often painful tasks, to visit with us and remind us that we are loved.  Beth's friend Jill came over with lots of paper goods - plates, utensils, paper towels, toilet paper and magazines.  It was so unclear in that moment what it was all for but has become SO abundantly clear since then why we needed it all -a house full of people for two weeks!  Her other close friend, Samantha, who has 2 children, one is a newborn, took in our niece Sadie for the week so Beth could be with us.  My mother-in-law rearranged book shelves, cleaned our kitchen and bathroom (which I still feel terribly about).  Our fathers coordinated issues of the morgue and timing of the funeral.  My mother took us to the cemetery so we could arrange the details of the funeral and pick out the grave site.  While we were in the hospital, my mother's boyfriend, Ken, crawled in and out of our doggie door to pick up our clothes and toiletries for us.  People like Carmen, Eowyn and Robyn flew in from around the country to wipe down kitchen counters and help us get our laundry done.  Allison collected all of the information and coordinated the JNF tribute page for Maxie's forest.  Suzy helped Ted and I put the text together for that page and for emails and helped us to figure out various settings on our Facebook pages.  As always, Greg brought lots of beer and big laughs. Sammy, Erika, and Ian came (and brought at least 20 Zankou chickens)  and played with our niece, Mandy while we watched home videos of our awesome trip to Palm Springs last summer.  Sigalle came with her dad, David, one of my dad's best friends, to reminisce about past camping trips and canoe adventures.  Jessica, Missy, Darren, Molly, Johnny Mack, Auntie Alison, Cousin Lizzy, Auntie Harriet, Cousin Stephanie, Auntie Esther, Rod, Cousin Jodi, Stacy, Joslyn... this was all before shiva.  I have put off writing this post because there were so many of you and obviously I am going to forget people.  Many of you flew or drove into town for the funeral or for a night or two of Shiva - Leslie, Chris Barry, Liz, Carly, Randy's mom Araya, Shannon, Shepro, Kyle, Winsom, Meaghan, Carl, Kerry, Mandy.  Many of you happened to be in town when this all went down and took time out of your vacations to sit in our house of mourning - Ara, Ali, Josh, Tallie, Saul, Stefanie...I can't even begin to name everyone who came to shiva, but want to thank you all.  All of the catering for the shiva was taken care of by Craig, David Frank, the people at Conair and Cuisinart.  So many people baked and cooked or bought delicious food for us...Steve and James, the Greens, Missy, Stefanie, Ken, Noah and Jessica...frankly, there was and is so much food here, I am not sure where it all came from. You have helped us do the things that are most impossible. Kate brought me an emergency kit for my car with eye make up remover, mascara, under eye concealer and anti stress aromatherapy for when life gets too hard and I am out in the world. She also arranged a food drop off and friends have been and will continue through November to drop off meals for us during the week.  I cannot believe how many of you have signed up to do this for us. Greg drove people up the hill to my mother's house after the funeral while Tamar and Carmen directed drivers where to park. My mom's friends, Steve and James gave us their vacation home in Laguna Beach, where we spent this past weekend.  My step-mother, Leonie, has offered to take me to get a foot massage.  Just the other day, Amy R came over with a giant cooler to collect my breast milk supply to give to a woman that Bianca found who has cancer and cannot nurse her baby.  After she left my house, she went to the daycare to pick up the rest of it and pack it up.  That was hard but made me feel good for a moment, knowing that Maxie's milk can help another baby thrive.  We have heard from so many of you through emails and phone calls and text messages and posts on our Facebook pages.  You have sent us lists of therapists and resources, you have sent books about grieving and loss.  If I forgot you here, it doesn't mean I forgot you.  You will be close to our hearts forever and we can only hope that you will never need us like we have needed you. 

Eighth Month

8 months

You are the most delightful baby...& so funny.  You like to grab the spoon while I am feeding you to feed yourself...but you mostly miss your mouth.  You are so close to crawling but not quite there.  You can sit up on your own for a little while but still fall over eventually.  You smile all of the time.  You are always easy...even your most difficult moments are not at all hard.  In your 8th month, you started drinking formula in addition to breast milk.  You had a really cute Fathers Day moment with your father on the couch that he wants to remember.  He was lying on his back and you were crawling on his chest and smiling and laughing and grabbing his face.

We put your swing in storage in the eighth month - you were getting too big for it and crying whenever you were in it.

A bunch of new babies started your daycare.  I caught little Andrew climbing onto your Bumbo to kiss you!  All of the kids still love you - especially Joseph!

By the end of month 8 you were almost crawling: up on all fours and swinging back and forth.

* This is the last journal entry I wrote before Max's passing 
The video is of Papa Chuck and Grandma Leonie and Uncle Paul with Maxie at Father's Day brunch. 

I cannot sleep. I keep having a dream that I misplaced the baby. In the dream I think,
"he is all alone, he has no food, no milk, nobody to feed him, nobody to keep him warm, does he have sunscreen on? Where is he?" I am looking for him frantically. Then I wake up and remember that he died. I feel horror and sick to my stomach. I failed as a mother. I lost my baby. People ask me the same questions over and over so I am going to answer them. No, I am not seeing a therapist yet. I haven't had a moment to tackle the bureaucracy of who my insurance covers (from what I can tell, it covers very few therapists) or whether I can pay out of pocket or who the right person to see would be. This JUST happened three weeks ago and I had a house full of people for 2 weeks of that. Yes, we plan to go to a support group but there are only 2 near us at all and one meets the third Thursday of the month (which we missed last month because that way the day that Maxie died) and the first Thursday of the month (which was 2 days after his funeral). Yes, we know about "Our House" but they only welcome parents who are three months away from "the incident". There also seems to be a sense from some that Ted and I need to "get back out there", "face the music", or that we should make plans so we have "something to look forward to". Again, this just happened, and from all I have read about bereaved parents, this pain doesn't go away (nor would I want it to...and by the way, wouldn't you be more worried if I was already over it?). Every day that passes is one more day that is farther away from the last moment I spent with Max. So - making plans to go camping or go to the Bowl - I know you want us to feel happy - and I appreciate the thought - but I wouldn't be looking forward to those things. I am pretty honest about what I can and cannot do. If you offer something and it sounds good, I will tell you. If it sounds scary or painful, I will politely decline. I appreciate friends who keep inviting us to stuff (and in some cases, we have surprised ourselves by appreciating the distraction) but most understand that we probably won't come. Everyone means well, I know, but trust me when I tell you that going to this party or that conference or that event will not make me feel better. Please continue to invite us but please do not be offended when or if we say no. Maxie grew inside of my body, I gave birth to him, I nursed him, sat up at night with him, rocked him, sung to him, pumped (in my office, in my car, late at night after work events, while driving) for him, made plans around and for him. He was and is the very best thing that ever happened in my life. I am in so much pain that I wake up every morning and decide whether or not I want to breathe again. I get anxious in public spaces, I get teary when things remind me of Max, I don't like being away from Ted. Time will heal me to some extent but for us, this JUST happened. I didn't break up with someone and I didn't lose my job so I am not sure how getting back out there is going to heal me. These suggestions haven't made me angry, in fact, in most cases, those who make these suggestions are trying to help, but you have to trust me when I tell you that I need to trust my own instincts about how I feel. I know what is best for me. What is best for me right now is to take each day at a time and only bite off what I can chew. No more, no less. If you are wondering how to approach me, just try to be genuine. It is ok to tell me you are sorry for my loss, it is ok to give me a smile or a knowing nod. Do not try to act normal, what happened to me is not normal. Our first encounter doesn't need to be normal from the get go..it will get there but give it a minute or two. I can still laugh, I can still gossip with you, I can still work with you...and I will. But, keep your expectations in check. My baby died. I am not the same person and probably won't ever be again. I can't say whether it will make me stronger in the long run or weaker. It will be a while before we will know. Again, this JUST happened. Thank you for being patient with us, thank you for taking care of us, thank you for worrying about us. We know that we are very lucky to be surrounded by people who care.

Seventh Month

7 months

You get cuter every day!  In month 7, you started lots of new foods and you also started sleeping on your tummy and sitting up.  Sometimes you still topple over - but mostly you are pretty good at sitting.  We went on a trip to the east coast for a wedding - mostly we wanted to visit with Gigi, Papa, Auntie Beth, and Cousin Sadie.  Everyone loves you and says what an easy baby you are!  You were wondeful on our red-eye flight to JFK, but you had a hard time on our way home.  You missed your nap and the cabin was so bright that you couldn't fall asleep.  Finally you slept a bit when I strapped you to me in a Baby Bjorn and draped a blaket over you.  It was a fun trip and Sadie is still crazy about you.  She wanted to know what you were doing every minute.

You have finally noticed our dogs - Jake and Layla and you like smiling at them.  They are really curious about you.  You also like to spend time in the exersaucer and the jumperoo. Your favorite book is still Goodnight Moon.  But, you also still like Goodnight Gorilla and the Sesame Street books as well as two books about animal babies: "Pet Babies" and "Meadow Babies".

Prima Sharon

I took my cousin Sharon to the airport last night.  She came on the day of Maxie's funeral and stayed with us for two weeks.  Although Sharon is the granddaughter of my grandmother's first cousin and I didn't meet her until 2003, she is like a sister.  She is an old soul at 29 years old, always knowing what to say when I need her.  Everyone who meets her loves her and I feel so special that she chooses me to be her friend.

I never heard of cousin Sharon until my second year in graduate school.  I always knew my Grandma Ann had cousins in Mexico City and she had glamorized them to us our whole lives.  When my grandparents met, my grandfather proposed marriage very quickly.  My grandma said that she was in no rush to get married so she told him she couldn't get married until she had visited her cousins in Mexico.  He said, "Great.  We will go there on our honeymoon" and three months later they were married.  I have heard that my grandfather loved the Mexican cousins like they were his own and especially loved "the boys", one of whom was Fernando, Sharon's father.  In 2003 I got a voice mail message from Ceci Halkin (Sharon's mom) that had been left while I was on a school trip to Israel.  They had a few hours to kill at LAX on their way home from Kuala Lampur and were hoping to meet up with my father.  They looked up Fleishman (my maiden name) in the phone book and found my number.  The message was very warm and gave their home number in Mexico.  When I heard the message, I thought I would call.  I had actually already planned a trip to Guatemala, Costa Rica and Peru for a post-graduation adventure and my flight was going through Mexico City.  I figured we could have the visit in the airport that they mentioned.  I called Ceci and she convinced me to stay a few nights in Mexico City, something that made me a little nervous, considering I didn't know any of them.  She explained that she had three daughters - Marion was the oldest (I think she was 26 at the time), then Lily (who was probably 23 or 24) and then the youngest, Sharon (who was 21).  I was 29. 

I arrived at the airport and found a very pretty and put together woman, carrying a sign with my name on it, accompanied by her chauffeur.  We got in the car and she started telling me about her current boyfriend troubles and issues with her studies.  We were friends by the time we got to the house.  Those five days in Mexico were filled with activities.  I went out each night with a different sister (all of them are lovely and sweet), we went to discos and swanky clubs and bars, we had a big fancy family dinner with the whole group, we went to the Pyramids, the Saturdays Bizarre and on a double decker tourist bus that we could get off of and walk around the city and get then back on the next one.  I wondered if my grandmother's idea of glamor was the same as mine. I had NEVER thought so previously, but this family was glamorous.  In a relaxed moment, Sharon and I sat up in the office in her house and rang a bell and the cook, Gueye, took our order for chilaquiles, while we sat around watching TV. AWESOME. 

Sharon is my partner in crime.  She has been to LA many times and knows all of my friends.  She has vacationed with me and any number of them to Costa Rica over the years, a place where we always get into trouble (and I mean that, as anyone who has had to suffer through our Cucaracha story a million times knows) and have the best time making up nicknames for our new friends and eating late night disco chicken (literally setting the alarm for 2 am so we can go to the disco and eat their chicken).  She was in LA and I left her to go to San Diego for my second date with Ted.  She was in Israel with Ted and I when we got engaged and we were in Mexico City last summer when I was pregnant with Max.  She came to visit in December, when Max was 2 months and then again in April (she surprised me) for Passover.  She loves Ted too....from the beginning, he won her heart when he came to LA for our third date and brought her some cotton candy after I told him a sad story of her losing the cotton candy the day before that I made her wait hours to buy at Disneyland.  She lets all of us Gringos imitate her beautiful accent and laughs while we all make asses out of ourselves.  She smiles big for every camera she sees (even when the camera man is on the side of a rock, next to a giant class 4 rapid, while the rest of us are paddling for life). Everyone agrees that she is so so funny.  She gave us our one really big laugh last week when she yelled "SUCK IT!" at the Bachelorette's sister during the "Final Rose" episode that we watched to numb our brains. 

Sharon sent me a text the day before Maxie died telling me that her grandfather had passed that day.  I actually can't remember if I wrote back to tell her what was happening with us or if she heard it through one of our friends.  Even though her immediate family was sitting shiva and experiencing an enormous amount of grief, she got on the plane and came here to be with us.  We are so grateful to the Halkins for lending us their youngest daughter.  She helped to get me through the first two weeks of hell with lots of love, patience and kindness.  Te amo prima!

Maxie's Forest

Maxie's t-shirt was a hilarious gift from our friend, Marissa

*We know the date is incorrect

As of this morning, 422 families or individuals have donated $50,293 towards a forest of over 10,000 trees in Haifa, Israel, in Maxie's memory.  Eventually, I hope that our family can thank each and every one of you.  For now, I hope that this expression of my gratitude will suffice.  Watching this forest grow has been the one ray of hope and goodness that we can all lean on.  The trees will be planted in the Carmel, where a devastating forest fire burned down over five million trees, blackening the green, turning growing life into ash.  This is the forest that I lived in as a student at the Haifa University.  It's trails started at the back door of my dormitory.  It is the forest that I spent weekends hiking in again 2 years later during the period of time when Ted and I first met.  Whenever we talk to our parents or siblings, the first thing anyone asks is "Have you seen how big Maxie's forest has grown?"  Thank you for giving us something incredibly positive to talk about.

As I mentioned, Ted and I met in Israel over ten years ago.  We also got engaged in Israel in 2009.  We took a walk on the Tel Aviv Tayelet (promenade) next to the ocean after spending a night out with friends.  Ted pulled me into one of the covered bench areas, got down on one knee and proposed to me.  Not only was it incredibly romantic, it had a lot of meaning for both of us that it happened there.  I wouldn't say that either Ted or I are terribly religious.  We don't belong to a Temple, we pick and choose our kosher laws, we talk about someday having Shabbat in our home but we haven't gotten around to it.  We like Passover and Hanukkah candles.  We used to believe in G-d, maybe still do I guess, or I would not be writing it that way.  We both love Israel.  It isn't a religious or political love.  It is the love of a place where Jews and non-Jews of all walks of life meet up in a beautiful desert land with sandy beaches and buzzing metropolitan centers; where you can get on a bus and know that the riders share a common past with your ancestors, where history and modernity coalesce in the Old Cities of Jerusalem and Jaffo and Tsfat, and at the summer and winter palaces of Herod in Masada, Jericho, and Caesarea.  As Ted's family wrote on Max's tribute page it is the place where the seed of our love was planted and now will continue to grow.

Ted and I decided before Max was even born that we would take Maxie to Israel for his Bar Mitzvah.  It was something we looked forward to - an incredibly meaningful family trip.  Now, we can only imagine moving on from this horror (the pain of which seems to be getting more horrific with each passing day instead of becoming easier), and starting again: having more children, hoping that they are healthy, trying to find our new normal.  We know that visiting Maxie's forest will always be one of the most important visits we make, if not the most important.  To be clear, Maxie's trees will be planted among the trees of others.  His trees will be among Shmulie's trees and Hannah's trees and Jane's trees.  There will be no sign that welcomes us to the "Maxwell Judah Leviss" forest, for there are many people from around the world who have contributed towards replanting the five million trees that were lost last December.  We will know his trees are there.  My hope is that we will feel him in their presence.  There will be a sign in American Independence Park, outside of Jerusalem, where we will also stop.  Where Maxie's plaque will hang on a wall with other generous souls who feel the way about Israel that we do. Who made important contributions towards important projects all over the country.  This will be a second stop for us, where we can bring a picnic lunch, sit at a table in nature and tell our children about the beautiful and happy brother that they never had the incredible fortune of meeting. 

If you would like to contribute towards Maxie's forest or leave us a note on his tribute page, please go to: http://support.jnf.org/goto/maxleviss.

Elisa Frankel, a co-worker of mine at Jewish National Fund added this poem to Max's page, which the whole family loves and I wanted to share:

I give you this one thought to keep - I am with you still - I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awake in the morning's
hush
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at
night.
Do not think of me as gone -
I am with you still - in each new
dawn.

Sixth Month

6 months

You started eating this month & you love it!  Yams and butternut squash are the favorites so far.  We are happy that you have such a healthy appetite.  You are such a happy baby - always smiling and laughing.  We love taking walks with you, playing with stuffed animals, reading to you...Daddy still loves doing his morning routine with you and you love it too!  You look for him as soon as you finish nursing.
You have figured out how to roll yourself from one side of the room to another, which you also do in your crib.  You've started playing with mobiles, looking around more, noticing your dogs - Jake and Layla.  We think you'll be sitting up before too long.  You are an absolute dream - a perfect baby and we talk about how much we love you all of the time.  We are so lucky!

The Animals

The animals in our neighborhood have been singling us out over the last couple of days for complete weirdness.  Two days ago, Ted came home from work and asked if we saw the crows across the street.  There are a lot of crows in LA, especially in our neighborhood.  But, Sharon (my cousin) and I walked outside the front door to see literally hundreds of crows in the tree across the street from our house.  Hundreds.  Swarming.  Yesterday, I went to lunch about a block away with my step-sister, my cousin and my best friend from childhood just down the street and a squirrel came within one foot of our table, trying to get a bite.  Scared it might have rabies or get aggressive, we stood up and scared it off the patio.  Squirrels don't usually come so close.  Last night I couldn't sleep and was sitting in the living room reading.  At around midnight, I heard lots of little footsteps running all over our roof.  I thought that maybe it was the old yellow tabby cat from next door that likes to hang up there.  But, there was definitely more than one animal.  It sounded like the monkeys do when they run all of over the roof of our house in Costa Rica.  I got up to look out the stained glass door window and saw at least 5 big raccoons climbing over our gate, one by one.  Hopping from one ledge to the next.  One jumped on top of our tool shed and went to town chewing on some material up there, two others were prancing through our hedges, and the other two were attacking the barrel of dog food.  One was actually inside the barrel of dog food, going to town on it.  I followed my normal course of action (which I debated for a while first) and woke up Ted.  He was fast asleep but got out of bed, walked to the side door, opened it and growled, "RAAARRRRRR!"  Over and over until they scurried away.  It was actually kind of funny.  I was way too scared to open the door because I have heard that raccoons can be aggressive. 

What was really weird is that our dogs didn't even move.  We have two dogs, Jakey and Layla.  Jakey is a very cute and cuddly Golden Doodle that we adopted from the brother and sister-in-law of our friend Tamar.  Layla is a very emotionally complex and protective German Shepard that we adopted from my sister-in-law when she realized that her daughter, Sadie, was allergic to dogs, among many other things.  They are yin and yang.  Two perfect creatures.  Usually when anyone walks by the house or they hear any animal at all moving around the yard, the two of them bolt out the doggy door in a flash - Layla is scaring off intruders, Jakey is looking for a playmate.

When I was pregnant with Max, Layla knew.  I'm not sure exactly how I knew that she knew, but she did.  Both dogs had always been Ted loyalists, but Layla suddenly became my shadow.  She would follow me from room to room and looked at me with concern.  I found something online about the name Layla that said some cultures believed in a spirit called Layla that would protect babies.  Since she had been with Beth when Sadie was born and now was with us for the arrival of Max, we felt that it was meant to be.  Beth, who missed Layla so much, felt some comfort in that fact, as did Ted and I.  When Max was born, we spent a week with my mom while Ted finished renovating our kitchen.  I practically never left the bedroom and Layla would lie in the doorway entrance to our bedroom all day and night, keeping us safe from anyone who might want to get near the baby.  They were so good around Max, always curious, but never getting too close.  Max seemed to look right through them, never even realizing that they were there.  It was a question family members always asked, "Has Max noticed the dogs yet?" and until about 6 weeks ago, the answer was always, "no".  Then all of a sudden, he noticed.  He would have staring contests with Layla, always with a little interested smile and he would reach way out of his highchair to grab Jake's moustache.  Max was easily distracted while I was feeding him breakfast when he would hear the dogs dash in or out of the dog door.  He would grab the sides of his highchair or bumbo tray and flip his head around to see what was going on.  The last time I remember him doing it was the last morning he was alive.

The dogs are sad.  Jake is just a little down in the dumps but Layla seems distraught.  My cousin says that when we were in the hospital the second time, when Ted was bit, the dogs stayed up all night barking and howling.  Layla walks into Max's room and just stares into space.  She looks at Ted and I with sad, questioning eyes.  She wants to know where her baby is and it bothers me that we do not have a language that we can communicate in so that I can tell her.  It's no wonder that those few pesky raccoons didn't get their attention last night -maybe they have a much bigger issue on their minds.  

My favorite picture

I took so many pictures of Max, as did Ted, my mom, my dad, Tisha, and others.  There are so many beautiful and expressive photos of Max and despite that, this has always been my favorite picture of him.  He is wearing an expression that I hardly saw, but one that always made me laugh.  It was actually so not my baby's face.  On this night, I was giving him and bath and taking lots and lots of pictures and at a certain point, he seemed to look at me with an exasperated, "ALRIGHT already!" look on his face.  But, I didn't give it a rest and kept saying "Maxie!  Smile Maxie!".  So he gave me this one last goofy smile before I put the camera down and finished bathing him.  I miss this boy so much it hurts.  I missed him every second that we were not together when he was still breathing.  I miss him a hundred times more with every second now. 

Maxie's Daddy

I needed to take a pause to write about the most wonderful person I know, my husband.  I waited for him to come into my life for what felt like an eternity but I am forever grateful.  Knowing what I know now, I realize that the wait made it even sweeter when I found him and probably helped me to appreciate him even more than I would have otherwise.  I first met Ted in 1996 in Israel.  His sister, Beth, was one of my best friends on Kibbutz Mishmar Hasharon, near Natanya, where we were part of a program that I don't think exists any longer called "Project Oren".  After the program, Beth and I and several of the other friends we made stayed in Israel and lived in various parts of the country.  I moved up to Haifa and Beth stayed on the kibbutz for a while.  We decided to take a trip to the Sinai and she invited her younger brother, who was studying abroad in Italy, to join us.  He was almost as handsome then as he is now. Almost.  He was as much my type then as he is now, which is funny because the type has changed.  Certain obvious qualities were the same - he is tall, dark brown hair, muscular, dark skin, big beautiful smile with twinkling eyes.  In 1996, Ted had long hair and a more detached type of coolness.  CRUSH - CITY!  Of course, nothing at all happened on the trip, not even any flirtation, because the way I acted interacted with the guys I liked in 1996 was to completely ignore them (actually, that was pretty much the way I acted with guys I liked always, not just in 1996).  Alas, not an awesome tactic.  We definitely had good times on that trip though.  I remember very clearly going to the Dahab Disco, listening to Ben Harper, drinking Egyptian beer and playing Truth or Dare - a very tame game I should say, since Beth and Ted were brother and sister, right?  The dares were like "I dare you to run down to the beach, get in the water with all of your clothes on and come back and strut your stuff on the dance floor."

Beth and I kept in touch for a few years after Israel.  Every time I saw her, I asked about Ted.  I remember admitting that I had had a small crush on him while we were in Egypt and her telling me about his girlfriends and also saying that he probably wasn't in the right place for a relationship.  I think he was a serial monogamist though, so not sure.  Ten years later, I ran into Beth at the NY wedding shower of our mutual friend, Joslyn, whom Beth and I had both kept in touch with (and love very much).  At the time, I was living in Brooklyn and working on a contract for 6 months in Manhattan.  I was so excited to reconnect with Beth.  She is the most down to earth, easy to get along with, fun and funny chick.  Sadly, I was moving back to Los Angeles a few weeks later.  I asked Beth about Ted (as always) and she told me that he was living in San Diego, finishing up architectural school.  This time, she got a little knowing look in her eye and said with a sly smile, "I think this would be a good time to fix you two up".  Actually, she got really excited about the idea.  I said that sure, I was up for it, but pretty much figured it was just talk.  I couldn't imagine that he would actually drive up from SD to LA to meet a girl.  But, 2 months later, he did just that.  He said he had to come to LA anyway for a job interview and we decided to go on a little hike.  I was living at home with my mother to save some money.  He warned me ahead of time that he didn't look the same as he did when we first met.  So, I didn't know what that was going to mean.  When he walked up the driveway, I saw a tall, clean-cut, handsome guy in shorts, a t-shirt and flip flops.  I saw his same beautiful smile but much warmer now.  I know now that he thought it was funny that I was wearing workout pants, a tank top and sneakers - we were going on a hike afterall.  He didn't think it looked like I was dressed to go on a date.  I thought getting all-dolled up for a day in the outdoors would seem like I was trying too hard.  We hiked through Fryman Canyon and talked the whole time.  We decided then to go to the Cat and the Fiddle and get a beer.  Afterward, he said he didn't really need to get back for anything too quick, so we took a walk around the Hollywood reservoir.  It was on this last walk that we really bonded - over a mutual love of R&B music.  It was totally refreshing and different than any other date I had been on just because we seemed so alike.  He dropped me back at my mother's house and I gave him a quick hug and jumped out of the car.  By the way, there was no job interview.  That night, I left on a trip to Costa Rica for a week with girlfriends and a few days later, he went home to CT for a month for his sister's wedding.  We kept in touch through emails, calls and texts the whole time.  I didn't want to get too excited but I couldn't help it.  He was too good to be true.

I had a dream last night that Ted had been diagnosed with some weird disease and had only a few weeks left.  We had to figure out how we would spend every last minute we had with each other and we tried to make sure that we had the appropriate balance of fun and meaningful time with friends, family and each other.  Just writing this, breaks my heart.  He is my most favorite person, my grounding love.  He is handsome, hilarious, artistic, smart, SO handy, ambitious, optimistic, sexy and committed.  I cannot imagine going through this terrible period with anyone else but Ted and it hurts me deeply to see him in pain.  He knows me better than anyone ever has.  He assures me that we will be happy again.  That we will have more children, that we will always carry Maxie in our hearts, that we will walk down this road together and find some relief on the other side of this pain.

 

Maxie's Best Friend

It is hard to believe, but it is true.  During Maxie's very short life, he actually had a best friend.  Joseph is the adorable two and a half year old son of Tisha, the woman who runs our daycare.  He has two dimples, a surfer hair-do, an adventurous spirit, and an outgoing personality.  Max loved Joseph and Joseph loved Max.  Every morning when we got to day care, Joseph was there to announce, "My baby is here!".  Then he would come over to the car seat and "help" me get Max out by touching all of the straps and clasps and yelling "get him out!  get him out!"  All the while, Max would be looking right at Joseph smiling.  He knew a good friend when he saw one.  When I would leave the day care house in the morning, sometimes Joseph would come outside after me, looking for bees and bugs.  I would say "Take care of my Maxie" and he would call out, "I will!"  That was followed by my saying "Ok, see you later alligator" and he'd reply, "in a while crocodile".  I often pulled out of the driveway crying, so sad to have to leave Maxie for the whole day.  It was comforting to know that he had a very best friend to take care of him.  I jokingly asked Tisha a few times if it embarrassed Joseph to have a 9 month old for a best friend and she always answered, very seriously, "Not at all, Joseph LOVES Max!"

The day after Maxie's passing, I had an uncontrollable urge to strap on my sneakers and run to the daycare to see the kids and make sure they were alright.  Instead, I texted Tisha and asked if she and and Joseph would like to come over for a visit.  I worried that the gigantic "Day of the Dead" painting in our doorway might scare him as I saw him staring at it (I LOVE the Day of the Dead and have a small collection of stuff I think is cool).  I read him a bunch of Maxie's favorite books and we played with Maxie's toys.  It made me feel good to spend time with both of them, the closest people to Maxie I could think of outside of our immediate family.  He kept asking where Maxie was and I tried not to cry.  When they left that afternoon, Joseph looked at my painting, of a large skeleton ghost floating over a small village and said, "Bye, Bye, Pirate!"  It made me laugh and I have been telling the story to others and laughing about it to myself ever since.

I don't think Tisha has told Joseph what happened to his best friend yet.  She is not sure what exactly she will say, even though he and the other kids were in the room with Max when he stopped breathing, when Tisha's mother began CPR, and when the paramedics had to come to take him to the ER.  He asks for Max every day, she tells me, and she just answers that Maxie is on vacation.  I do not envy the task of having the conversation with such a young and innocent boy about death.  I cannot imagine that he will even understand.  In time, Maxie will probably just be one other kid that once went to the day care his mom ran.

Fifth Month

5 months

You are growing up so quick & you are such a wonderful baby.  You sleep from 7pm - 6am - which is wonderful and means that when you are awake, you are almost always in a happy and playful mood!  You love daycare and always give Tisha a big smile when you get there in the morning.  You like it when I read to you and your favorite book is "Goodnight Moon". Sometimes I just recite it to you (because I know it by heart) and that makes you smile.  You like it when we pull you up to sit and stand and then you like us to hold your hands while you stand a for a little bit.  You are pretty wobbly but before we know it you'll probably be getting up by yourself.  In a couple of weeks we will start feeding you a little bit of solid food - that is really exciting!  For now, we have a routine - mommy goes in and feeds you in the morning and then Daddy come in to stretch you and change you and put on your clothes.  He plays fun music and plays with you.  You start looking around for him as soon as you are done nursing.  We love you more every day!  You are our very favorite thing on earth!  You are a very happy boy and a perfect baby!

Fourth Month

4 months

You are such a big boy!  You hold your head up, smile a lot, laugh a little, you are learning to hold things, sitting in our laps while we visit with friends and family and when we read to you.  You are a really happy baby.  You got your helmet off on your 4 month birthday and slept 11 hours in a row that night.  We started sleep training you - the first night was hard, the second night you did a perfect job.  We love you more and more every day.  Last month we went to Costa Rica with Auntie Beth and Cousin Sadie.  You were so good on the airplane, sleeping basically the whole way there and back - even in the car ride up and down from our house.  You went in the swimming pool for the first time.  Daddy held you in the pool and you loved it.  Not surprising since you LOVE bath time - smiling and splashing.  You are still very popular at daycare.  Little Joseph says "My baby is here!", when you arrive and then gets crazy excited and says "Take him out!" of your car seat.  Sadie also LOVES her cousin!  In CR, she said "My cousin" all of the time and when you cried, she rubbed your arm and said "its ok, Maxie".

Third Month

3 months

In your third month we found out that your little head was a little flat on one side and you needed to spend 6 weeks in a "Doc Band".  Lots of kids (& adults) have flat parts of their heads - it is nothing weird or strange - it is normal.  AND lots of kids get Doc Bands.  The Doc Band is a little helmet.  Yours only weighs 4 ounces.  You have been a total champ.  It seems like you don't even notice it at all.  Dad put lots of sticks all over it - NY GIANTS, LA Dodgers, lots of dinosaurs, race cars, and music stickers! 

You also started daycare this month.  You go every day to a home daycare in the neighborhood.  There are 5 other kids there - Joseph, Brooklyn, Carter, Andrew and one other baby we haven't met yet and you!  You are the youngest so everyone gets really excited when you come in the morning and they say, "Baby Maxie is here!"  They are really like your "hat"!  Joseph asks his mommy every day if he can wear it and she explains to him that "the hat belongs to Baby Maxie!"

At the end of  your 3rd month, we are going to Costa Rica and meeting Auntie Beth and Cousin Sadie.  Maxie- you started smiling A LOT!  You are a happy baby - you are social and smile at everyone.  We love you more and more everyday!  Once, I heard you laugh in your sleep!

Sometime while sitting with my mother at the St. Joseph's Emergency room I looked at her and said, "crack heads have babies and those babies live and grow up and have lives.  How could this be happening to my Maxie?"  My Maxie was so well taken care of and so loved.  We read every book and followed every piece of Pediatric advice.  He barely left our tiny Burbank neighborhood.

And that has me thinking about all of the stupid and/or dangerous shit I have done (disclaimer - I have done some stupid shit, we will start small-ish): As a teenager, I snuck out of my friend's second story window and down her trellis to run 2 miles to a party, I have done lots of helmet sports without a helmet, I have smoked cigarettes, I have experimented with drugs, I have hitchhiked my way all over Israel and Zimbabwe, I have surfed in sharky waters, I have stood on the Israel/Gaza border while rockets were falling from the skies, I once shared a scummy hotel room in Lima, Peru with a Columbian woman I met on an airplane to save money, I took a cab to the projects in Queens in the middle of the night from Manhattan with my friend's cute older brother so he could buy marijuana...I have tried crazy foods, I have had drank strange drinks, I have traveled the globe by myself, I have taken lots of risks....and yet, I am still sitting here.  It makes no sense.  Maxie never did anything.  The most exotic thing he ever ate was Greek yogurt.  He played at daycare with 6 or 7 other kids.  He never had a babysitter that wasn't a grandmother.  He was sheltered and safe.  And, somehow I am sitting on this couch writing this and he is in the ground on the side of a mountain.  Not fair. 

Ted and I went on a boat ride in Marina Del Rey yesterday.  It was a champagne cruise I bought him for Hanukkah and finally booked a couple of months ago.  We decided it was a good idea to go, and it was.  It was a beautiful day, it was nice to be outside, it was extra nice to spend the day with my wonderful husband.  We stood on the top deck for an hour or so by ourselves while the other guests scrambled below us for the buffet.  We laughed at the fact that the boat never left the breakwater...I figured with our current luck, we would have ended up on a deserted island with these people.  There was a couple in line to board in front of us with a baby about Max's age.  Pudgy and smiley and cute and it was obvious how proud the parents were of their little girl.  My chest tightened and I panicked that we would end up having to sit next to them.  We ended up with our own table right next to them of course.  I sat with my back to them and it was actually nice watching Ted watch them with a small smile on his face, even though I know it hurt him too.

On the way to the brunch, I told him my biggest fears these days are that I won't be able to get pregnant again, that once I do get pregnant - I will spend 9 months as a nervous wreck, and that once the next baby comes, I won't be able to put him/her to sleep at night.  I worry so much that I will just watch the baby 24 hours a day to make sure that she or he keeps breathing.  I also worry that one of us will stop breathing, as I know we both will some day.  But not yet!  I want another 50 years with Ted, at least.  I want to raise children, organize family vacations,  plan birthday parties, send kids to college, watch who they become, spend as much time as possible with this man that I am so lucky to have found.  I want what Maxie should have had - a lot more time.  Is that selfish?

Month 2

2 months

Your second month had been a little more challenging. You are awake more and you like to be carried - a lot!  Mommy loves holding and hugging you but somehow you feel HEAVY!  Oh Well!  You are only going to get heavier.  You are sleeping in our bed again in the "snuggle nest" and even though our bed is small, we like having you in it.  During week 6 we left the house a lot and went on many adventures- we went to baby boy Riskin's baby shower, you went to G-Ma's house for a long babysitting visit (we went to a wedding), we went to Mommy and Me yoga class, a daytime movie with other babies and Mommies (including Aunties Bianca, Amy, and Liesel and babies Luca and Penelope), we went to a breastfeeding class and took our first Mommy and Baby trip to the market.  

We can't figure out if you like to be swaddled - you try to get out of it when you wake up but you sleep really well when you are in it.  You've started smiling but you aren't smiling at us yet - just smiling at your own thoughts.  Your eighth week was very hard - whenever you were awake, you were crying and you didn't sleep at night at all.  We took you took the doctor and found out that you had acid reflux.  We got you some medicine and they seem to be working. 

Newborn Maxie

1 month

The first month was spent almost entirely at home as I was afraid to leave and go anywhere with you.  You were so small.  We went to the Pediatrician once, over to Auntie Jessica's house and a few times over to G-Ma's.  Grandma also babysat a couple of times.  Mostly, we stayed at home and tried to work out our routine.  I had lots of fun getting to know you.  You slept a lot, woke up to eat and then right back to sleep.  We also had lots of visitors because, of course, everyone wanted to meet you.  We tried to figure out where you should sleep, what you liked to wear, how we should bathe you and everything else.  But as soon as we thought we had you figured out - everything would change!

You spent 2 weeks sleeping in bed with Mommy and Daddy and then we moved you into a Moses basket at the end of our bed.  2 weeks later, we moved you back into our bed.  You were never really fussy in that first month but had some trouble going back to sleep after waking up in the middle of the night. Mommy and Daddy can't remember any of the words to lullabies or nursery rhymes so mostly, we make up new words (at least Mommy does).

We loved you right away!

I was given a journal by a friend to record Maxie's first 1000 days.  This morning I had a scare and thought that I had left the journal at Cedars a couple of days ago.  Anyone who knows me knows that I am constantly losing and re-finding important things.  My college roommate said that I was wasting words whenever I would utter the sentence "I can't find my keys" and that I could save words if I just said "cucumber".  Anyway, I found the journal.  I want to make sure I don't lose any of its content moving forward.

THE STORY OF YOUR BIRTH

Daddy and Mommy went to a breastfeeding class ONE MONTH before you were supposed to be born.  After the class, we came home and got ready for bed.  Mommy went to the bathroom and her water broke! We went to the hospital at midnight, the contractions started at 3.  The doctors gave me something to make the pain go away and then we slept until the next morning.  When we woke up, it was time to push.  Dad and Grandma helped.  Maxwell Judah Leviss was born at 10:02 am. You weighed 6 pounds and 8 ounces.  Your arm was up by your head, which made it hard to get you out, and the doctor had to use a vacuum on your tiny head to pull you out.  We were so happy when you came out - and proud of our new son and family.  We loved you right away!

When we first saw you, we were most happy to see that you were HEALTHY.  The doctor and nurse laid you on my chest and I could not believe you were here!  You were (and are) so perfect - a truly beautiful baby.  Right away, everyone said that you looked just like your dad.

Grandma Susan was in the delivery room and Papa Chuck almost came in by accident!  We loved spending the first few days with you in the hospital.  We had lots of visitors - Papa Chuck, Uncle Paul, Grandma Susan, Grandma Leonie, Mandy, Aunties Bianca and Jessica.  Aunt Beth, Gigi, Papa and cousin Sadie couldn't wait to meet you and they came just a few days later.  

Mom and Dad moved back in with Grandma Susan for a week while we finished our own house.  We were renovating it for your arrival. but since you came early, it wasn't done in time.