All I've got

Monday, March 19, 2012

It was a long weekend.  Even Jake is pooped.

When I was pregnant with Maxie, I used to always tell Jakey that he didn't need to worry, he would always be my first son.  I remember wondering what the love would be like that I would have for my human baby. I knew that if I loved Jake as much as I did, I would REALLY love our actual offspring even more.  I couldn't fathom that much love.  But, of course, Max showed up and Jakey was soon yesterday's news.  My love for Max was my whole heart - the whole thing.  After Max passed, I resented the dogs a little.  Maybe even a lot.  It makes no sense, but suddenly, I wasn't a mother anymore to Max, just mother to two dogs.  And, I wondered constantly why they were still here and Max was gone.  I was annoyed that Layla hurt her paw around the time when Max died.  Taking care of my dog's problems when I felt so helpless to take care of my own....and I had failed in taking care of my son's...just felt stupid almost.  Through the years, Ted watched me pour so much love into Jake, he worried what would happen to me when Jake would eventually die.  I told him I understood that Jake wouldn't be with us forever, but deep inside, I knew that when the day would finally come, it would kill a little bit of my soul.  Now, I can't believe that my dogs have outlived my child.  My WHOLE soul has been killed.  I am the walking dead.  While Ted has found so much comfort in our dogs since losing Max, I have felt resentful that I am no longer the mom to a beautiful baby boy and now only the mom to my two dogs.  And, yes, I get that for many people dogs are their children.  Believe me, my dogs were too.  But, the love I feel for them doesn't compare in the least to what I feel for Max.  Lately, the dogs have made their way back into my heart.  They are all I've got and I suppose at this point, I have to take what I can get.  Cuddling with Jake, my first son, is the very best life has to offer me at this stage (other than cuddling with my husband of course).  I know that Jake and Layla love me...not as much as Max loved me...that, I know for sure.  I love these two dogs as well.  Not as much as I love my son, but still - SO much love.  I suppose I should feel lucky to have them....so, I am clinging to that for now.  Hoping that their love can carry me until Baby M gets here in 130 days....

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