Tonight is for Max

Tonight is the night.  In my old job, the one I had before Max died, one of the things I was responsible for was putting on events.  I would often stress for weeks (before the smaller ones) or months (before the bigger ones).  I worried people wouldn't show up, I worried because I couldn't control what the speakers would say, I worried that donors would be angry (because of the food, because of the speakers, because of the venue, because of who knows what).  I couldn't let it go.  I usually would put the "chill" station on in my car and practice deep breathing just to get through the weeks and then finally the day of the event.

Somehow today is different.  Events used to be one of the the biggest stresses in my life.  The potential for people being angry at me was up there too.  People actually being angry at me was probably at the top.  Since Max died in July - nothing that used to matter does anymore.  We are doing this event tonight for Max - not for any one person or group who is coming.  Just for Max.  I am not really stressed because as far as stressful things in life go, this isn't one of them.  There are things about being out in public and amongst people that I am anxious about but I am not worried about the logistics of the night.  It will be what it will be.  I don't worry so much anymore about people getting mad at me.  I can (and have) live(d) with more people being mad at me over the last nine months than probably ever before in my life.  It isn't that bad.  I am not worried about what the speakers will say - I am sure that the comics will make jokes that will ruffle someone's feathers- that's what comics do - not much I can do about it.  I am not worried about registration or the auction or the raffle, even though I haven't figured out every detail yet.  I am sure we will get it together and if someone needs to be patient with us for a minute or two - so be it.  Tonight is all about Max.  While the comics make jokes and the guests laugh, I will be thinking about Max's beautiful smile and the way he made me feel like the most important person in the world.  During the nine and a half months of Max's life, I mostly stressed about events because they meant I had to be away from Max.  Tonight's event is something we are doing to be closer to him.  The truth is that my biggest worry is what tomorrow will feel like.  What will I do to keep me feeling close to Max?  How will I continue to show him that I am spending every waking minute in dedication to his memory?  Will keeping up this blog be enough?  Because for the last few months, every donation I received, every auction item I unwrapped, every detail that we thought of for this night, helped me to feel like  a mother again.  More specifically - Max's mother.  I don't want to wake up tomorrow and feel any less of Max's mother.

I cried myself to sleep last night.  I can't believe he is still not here.  I can't begin to describe how much my longing for him rules my soul.  I hope he can look down on us tonight and know that he is as much with us as he ever was and we are not going anywhere.  We love him more than anything and will continue to do so for all the days we have remaining in this often unfair, very difficult, sometimes incredibly hard, lonely lifetime.
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If you haven't signed up yet, please do not wait until the 11th hour to register online - we will not have computers with us at the event.  Either register this morning or come and pay at the door.  We'll be at The Comedy Store on the Sunset Strip (you've got the internet and a navigator - come find us).  THERE IS FOOD FOR PURCHASE THERE (but it isn't "Jenny Craig" approved - hamburgers, fries, and other bar food).  If you mention the missing maxie blog at the door, we'll let you in for $40 instead of the $50 all of the other last minute people will be paying.  We'll see you tonight! http://www.jnf.org/about-jnf/events/2012/benefit-for-maxie-leviss.html.