Hate is such a strong word

I hate that my pregnancy with Baby M isn't anything like my pregnancy with Max.  I loved being pregnant with Max.  To be clear, I didn't love swollen ankles or back pain or acid reflux...but, I loved knowing that my little boy was on his way and that life would get so much more exciting and lovely when he showed up.  I hate that with Baby M, I am in deep grief and that I have no idea what to expect from his arrival.  I hate that I am scared to fall in love with him because I KNOW that I don't get to be a pollyanna about his bright future.  I hate that I have no idea whether Baby M will have a bright future and that there is as much as a 25% chance that he could end up with exactly whatever killed Maxie.  I hate that I don't get to believe what everyone else seems to believe, which is that Baby M will fix everything.  I hate that I know better.  I hate that the coroner waited 6 months to get us the report back after Max died and that now the geneticists think that the blood sample might be too old to even test.  I hate that they cannot just test Ted and I and that they actually need Maxie's sample to have any hope of making any determinations.  And, I hate that they cannot "just test the baby" since they have no idea what they are testing for unless they can pinpoint the cause of death in Maxie.  I hate not having Max here to hug and kiss my tummy.  I hate not having Max here to hug and kiss me (and I hate that I never felt a hug or a kiss from Max....I don't even know what that would feel like).  I hate that I don't get to kiss Maxie - on the cheeks, behind his ears, on his tummy, on the back of his neck.  I really effing hate it!  I hate that this is the reality that I wake up to every freaking morning.  I hate this hell that I am stuck in and that the future doesn't actually look bright to me.  I wish it did.  I hate ALL of this.  People always say "Hate is such a strong word"...like you shouldn't say it.  The truth is though - I HATE it all and for once, I am glad that I can use the word HATE and mean it - because it is such a strong word.


Tiffany Torres said...

i understand exactly. our innocence has been ripped away from us. hate sounds like the perfect word. and no sweet baby M won't fix everything, but he/she will provide a reason to keep going. ((hugs))

Bianca said...

I am so sorry that Max isn't here for all your mama snuggles. I am so sorry that he never got to give his own hugs to you. It is wretched and wrong that his life and your happiness were cut short. And I am so sorry that baby M's future is scary and not simple. You and Ted and Maxie and baby M don't deserve any of this, it is so unfair!!!