Back into the pit

I have fallen back into a dark hole.  I can't understand the purpose of my being here without my son.  I miss and long for him so much that the days are torturous to endure.  I saw this coming.  I knew that the event would be a distraction, and I knew that I would feel empty when it was over.  Nothing is a good replacement for being with Max anyway.  It feels like there is nothing left for me here.  But, I know Baby M is coming and I know that I need to stick around for him.  Still, Baby M without his big brother hurts my heart so much.  I won't even get into my fears surrounding Baby M's arrival again...I am not sure anyone is listening anyway (but I WILL mention that I found out yesterday that the coroner's office hasn't even sent the blood sample to the UCLA genetics lab yet.  The request was made a week ago.  The geneticist contact the coroner who had passed it onto someone else down there who passed it on to someone else down there, who doesn't seem to be doing anything.  My dad had to call the place and tell them to send the effing blood.  The whole thing makes me sick to my stomach).  I am trying to remind myself that I am just killing time until I am back together with Max again, but the time isn't passing quickly enough.  I keep wondering what I did to make god so angry at me.  I keep wondering why there was no guardian angel to intervene on behalf of my baby when he stopped breathing.  I know that this punishment will last a lifetime and I just don't know if I am up for it.  It has been such a long road so far and it has only been 8 months.  How many more years might I have to endure this agony?  Hopefully my life span isn't what I once hoped it would be.  Hopefully god takes some mercy on my soul.  I am still here.  Is there a purpose?  Is it so that Baby M can live?  I surely hope that it is because Baby M is going to live a long life - and long outlive Ted and I.  Otherwise, I can't leave this whole thing in god's hands forever.  He doesn't seem to have our best interests in mind.  I hope that I can surface for air again in the coming weeks - I want to try to be strong for other bereaved parents but I am having so much trouble being strong for myself.  I am back where I started - one day, one hour, one minute at a time.  Grief is hell.


Becca said...

I'm so sorry Abby. I can't even imagine. It's so unfair that you and your family are forced to go through this.

I wanted to say that I definitely hear your fears about the new baby. While I have not lost a child and cannot fathom that pain, when I was pregnant with my second we were just finding out that my first had various developmental issues. We were going through all the testing with our 15 month old and starting therapy, etc., and I just fell into a really dark depression. I was so angry at myself that I'd gotten pregnant (even though I couldn't have known) and I was SO terrified that it was something genetic and I'd end up with two children with special needs. I just didn't think I could handle that and I was in a really bad place.

So, considering your situation and what happened to Max, I don't see how anyone could NOT understand your fears. It seems completely natural to me.

Rebecca Patrick-Howard said...

I'm listening, and I am sorry. People didn't understand my need to make sure Iris was safe when I was pregnant. They didn't understand my fears about there being something wrong that might be fixable. When I talked to the coroner's office and doctors they told me that it was just a stage of my grief (the people I know said that). Almost 1 1/2 years later we still don't have an official cause of death. Maybe it was SIDS, maybe it was a seizure. Or a stroke. Or a heart attack. Or sleep apnea. No death certificate, no autopsy report.

My pregnancy with Iris should have been a joyous, happy time. It wasn't. It was the lowest period of my life. There were moments of joy but they were short and fleeting. I got tired of talking about my fears to people who didn't understand. I got tired of trying to justify my feelings and explaining myself. I got tired of defending my pain. I just got tired.

I'm so sorry. :-( I looked at other people having rainbow babies and they seemed so happy. Everyone seemed to be handling it better than me and I wondered what was wrong with me. Now I know that nothing was, except for the horrible grief that was still there. I wasn't a lesser person or inferior because I showed my feelings more.

Keep writing. Others are listening. The best feeling is knowing that you are not alone. You are entitled to ALL of your feelings, no matter what they might be.

Steven (Colin's Daddy) said...

Abby. I do not comment much as I feel that each blog is our own personal journey and way of expressing everything that needs to get out in order to preserve sanity, but I just wanted to let you know that people are reading and listening. Sometimes the silence is out of respect not a lack or caring and compassion.


Soniarousseau1 said...

I am so sorry Abby. I'm sorry you have to go through ALL of this. I'm sorry you have lost little Max. I hope that you can continue to have connections with him through Moriah.

I hope that the Coroners office get themselves organized (i want to say pull-their finger-out-of-their-butt but I'm being polite) to do their job of returning the samples to your geneticist... And I hope the results of the tests are the best possible for you, even though I know from your website that any result may be harrowing for you.

I'm reading your blog and will read it - I have read it from last July. I've stayed mostly quiet because it's your space. I have no right to post, but wanted you to know there are lots of people rooting for you.

Peace and love, Sonia x

Tiffany Torres said...

grief is hell. you did NOTHING wrong. Maxie did NOTHING wrong. this is not a punishment. and believe me i have tried over the last almost yr and a half to figure out what the reason is behind all of this. there will never be a reason anyone can give me that i will accept. unfortunately we are good people that have had bad things happen to us. i struggled a lot with my relationship with God after Julius passed away (i still do now to be honest). and i hate thinking of it in terms of God taking my son. i try to see it more like he received him in heaven when death took Julius.

i think we will always long to be with our children. but i do think our rainbow babies/subsequent children give us a reason to keep on going when all we want to do is be with our sons again. thinking of you and praying for some peace and comfort for you. ((hugs))

Tallie Fishburne said...

I'm listening (always) and sending you lots of love and hugs. I am so sorry that this is your reality now. It's completely unfair that Max isn't here with you and ted where he belongs. xoxoxoxox

Tamar said...

I'm listening too. I'm so sorry that you're back in the pit. It's totally horrific even after 8 months that Maxie is gone - and your current state of mind, your worry and your stress is completely understandable. I love you and you, Ted, Maxie and Baby M are in my thoughts all the time.

Amy said...

We are listening and loving you, Abby.

Anniefrederick said...

I am always listening Abby. I love you. xoxo