These days

Monday, March 26, 2012

My heart aches this morning.  Have you ever missed someone so much it is actually painful?  This is like that - but worse.  Knowing I will never squeeze him again.  I will never squish my face against his.  How can I continue on with this knowledge?  Every day.....more pain.  It is time for me to find a new resource, as my therapist/spiritual guru is no longer a comfort.  I adore her as a person, but I am getting tired of trying to justify my grief every week.  She helped me in so many ways for so many months but she expected me to be "cured" by now and we are both disappointed that things aren't going the way we hoped.  Frankly, I have known all along that I wouldn't wake up any time, this soon, done with my grieving.  Considering nearly every bereaved parent I have met has told me that it is something that you never get over, I knew I wouldn't be "over it" in 8 months.  Throughout this painful journey, there have been things that have helped slightly for a little while until they just didn't help anymore: acupuncture, swimming, meditation, yoga... They all had a time and place for me.  Mostly they have just been ways to pass the time.  The question keeps coming up for me though - Until when (or what) am I passing the time?  Until Baby M is born?  Until Baby M makes it to 10 months?  and then 16 months?  and then two years?  Will I breathe again then?  Am I passing the time until I can join Maxie?  Ultimately, yes, but then what is the point of being here now?  I am here so that I can love my husband and second baby boy.  The fact is that I cannot (or am not) enjoy(ing) my pregnancy that much.  I am grateful to be pregnant.  I really am.  It is a second chance at happiness for us.  But, my anger about having to be grateful at a second chance at something that everyone else I know has been able to enjoy the first time around, without it being snatched away from them, is all consuming at times.  I feel so sad knowing that Baby M will never know Maxie and that Maxie will never know Baby M.  I feel so sad knowing that there is any chance at all that I could lose Baby M.  Last week Ted and our grief counselor convinced me to leave behind my plans for what happens if we lose Baby M.  As a planner, who has been sideswiped by something I never thought I would have to plan for in a million years, I want to know what my next step will be if I have to experience this again.  I think I understand now why it is better to cross that bridge if we ever need to and that hopefully, we never will.  Still, in the back of my mind, I can't help but question why I should ever feel confident in anything ever again.  I see photos of Ted and I in the hospital, the day that Maxie was born and we are so happy.  We felt so blessed.  We were SO blessed.  Max was the biggest blessing I could have ever imagined.  Loving him and being his parent, was SOOOOO much better than we could have even known.  Losing him has been the worst form of torture and punishment imaginable.  Anyway, I know I am not saying anything I haven't said before.  I am just having a really bad few days.  Just trying to get from moment to moment without losing my sanity.  Just barely clinging to this lifetime.  Just barely making it through these days.


Egreeno said...

I'm so sorry to hear that your therapist is not understanding that this grief does not end. I'm sure it will ebb and flow and change over time but noone should expect you to stop grieving for your son ever. I'm so sorry that this is so complicated and so hard, you've been through so much and now with the testing and all it just seems to never end. I'm praying for an easier path ahead with less uncertainty. Love you! - E

maxiesmommy said...

No, really. I LOVE my therapist. She is a wonderful person. She got me through such a hard time. I am just ready to move on. There was a lot that she helped me with and through. Honestly. It's just that we grief this heavy, it is ever evolving and I need to look for new modalities of help. That is it.

Tiffany Torres said...

i feel like i could have written this. the worry really never goes away and i too wonder when i will be able to breathe again. i pray for both of us that we get to breathe sometime soon. ((hugs))

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