My separation anxiety

I hated being apart from Max.  I remember the first time I left him.  I had to return a breast pump to the hospital where Max was treated for jaundice and go to the DMV to get my license renewed.  I left Max at my mom's house for about 3 hours.  He was a month old.  I couldn't get back quickly enough and I felt totally uncomfortable being out and about without a part of me was missing.  There was a tug on my heart pulling me back to where he was.  Honestly, that feeling never went away.  I never felt whole unless he was with me.  I left him to go do things.  Obviously, I put him in daycare.  I went away for 3 days to a wedding (that nearly killed me).  But, it felt unnatural for me to be without him.  I didn't feel like myself.  I missed him all day long.  I felt anxious and worried.  I guess I hid it well.  When I would finally be with him again, my heart rate would slow down again and I could breathe.  I think I've mentioned, I missed him after he went to sleep at night.

Tomorrow will be the eight month mark.  Eight months since my monkey stopped breathing at daycare.  Eight months since this nightmare began.  My separation anxiety hasn't gone away.  Being without him is complete horror and pain all of the time.  I don't feel whole without him.  Time has made some things's true.  The thing is, and this is hard to explain, in the beginning I felt like there was hope that things could get better.  Somehow, I thought someone could bring him back to me.  And, I know it isn't rational, but it was how I felt.  I thought that perhaps there was a 12 step treatment for grief or that somehow someone would give me "the advice" to make this liveable.  Now I know he is gone.  I know that "this" doesn't get less painful.  I know that life will never be as good and I will never be as innocent.  Accepting that things won't get better almost makes something easier.  But, it doesn't help with the pain of him not being here.  I can never relax, because he is not by my side.

Yesterday, I sat and watched my niece, Sadie, play with Jake and Layla (our dogs).  I wondered what it would be like for Max now.  If the dogs would be as patient with him.  Would he enjoy them as much as she does?  I am sure he would.  I watched her sit at our kitchen counter with headphones on and watch a movie.  Would Max have eventually sat like that?  Probably.  Nobody really mentions Max, but everyone talks about Baby M.  Do they somehow love this baby who hasn't even been born yet more than the one who lit up our lives?  Or, is it just too painful to remember our little boy?  Being around family is so important but at the same time, it is with family that I feel Max's absence the most.  He should be the center of attention right now.  He would be 17 months old.  He would be so cute and interactive and sweet.  Instead family talks about everything but Max.  We dance around his name.  His beautiful name.  The name that I can't get out of my mind - that I never want to have out of my mind.  Maxwell Judah Leviss.  My baby.  The person I waited for my whole life.  Gone already.  Our lives shattered.  Our future cut short.  I spent so much time worried about hurting people's feeling because I left their party, or wedding shower, or wedding, or bookclub meeting, or dinner party early - so I could be with Max.  So, I could feel whole, instead of alone without him.  Now, I've been left alone forever- totally unwhole for an eternity.  It's gotten easier just because I now know nobody can help.  That chapter is closed.  Easier makes no sense - because it is just as hard as ever.

1 comment

Tiffany Torres said...

i'm so so sorry for the loss of your precious son, Maxie. he really is so gorgeous btw! i understand so much of what you are going through. it is almost a year and a half for me with my son, Julius (who also passed away at daycare), and the longing for him and the pain of being without him have not lesseded. i think i've just gotten better at faking that i can act "normal". thinking of you. if you ever need someone to just be there and listen, feel free to email me. sending you love, and thinking of your precious boy...