I was his mommy!

I am slowly approaching that date where Max will have been gone longer than he was here.  I already feel like it was a dream that I was ever a mother.  I was a mother once!  I really was!  I woke up throughout the night to nurse my baby, and when he started sleeping through the night, I woke up early to slowly turn on the lights and welcome him into a new day.  I spoke to my baby in hushed tones while I carefully pulled him out of his crib and kissed his cheeks and told him how much I missed him and how much I loved him.  I wished him, "Good Morning Pumpkin."  I balanced getting him ready in the morning and getting myself ready.  I sat him in his bumbo chair and fed him  a mushy breakfast while I smiled and played with him.  I cuddled him in my arms and sang to him and played with him until it was time to walk out the door.  I took him out of his car seat and carried him into his daycare and smiled at him while he smiled at his babysitter.  My heart broke every day as I handed over my beloved baby, my most favorite person, to someone else to care for while I left to go to work.  I kissed his cheeks as much as I could before turning around and walking out the door.  I often cried once I reached my car, before driving away.  I checked my email all day long, looking for photos of my baby.  I talked about him to anyone who would listen.  I drove directly to pick him up every day, my heart full of anticipation.  I looked around the room for his cute face and found him smiling right at me, happy to see his mommy (me).  I brought him home and played with him and fed him dinner and then gave him a soapy warm bath.  I read to him and sang to him.  I rubbed his little back and played with the curls at the nape of his neck.  I kissed him like crazy.  I was his mommy!  I was a mommy!  Max was and is my baby!  For nine months, I lived in what has become a dream...but it was real!  It really happened.  I have to kick myself to remind myself that it actually happened.  If I remember the details, my heart breaks into pieces.  If I don't think about it, I want to die.  I can't believe this is life now.  I ache for my baby.  I long to be his mommy again.