More Max in Mo

I know that I am just a few days away from posting a video of Mo crawling.  He is getting so close.  He can get anywhere he wants to get by rolling, pulling himself over people and things and doing a kind of ineffective army crawl.  He's got places to go and he is determined to get there.  I just know he will crawl soon.

When he is pushed up on all fours, smiling at me, so proud of himself - I see Max as I last saw him.  This is exactly where he left me.  It turns my heart upside down.  The smile is the same, the hair is even now the same, the shine in his eyes - SAME.  Sometimes when I tell people how much Mo reminds me of Max, they shut me down.  "They look nothing alike!", they say.  They say that because they didn't know Max.  Anyone who did, sees the Max in Mo.  There are times when I feel like I'm looking at the same kid.  Teddy sees it.  Beth sees it.  My mom sees it.  Sharon sees it. 

Every time that Mo accomplishes something that Maxie never did, I feel both the victory of that accomplishment and the mind melting disbelief that Max isn't here, showing his little brother how it is done.  I wonder if it will always be this shocking.  I suppose it probably will.  I will always be carrying devastating sorrow and complete joy in every moment.  I've been looking so forward to Mo crawling - getting past the point where I lost his brother.  I wanted to see Max crawl so badly.  Not really understanding what was happening in the hospital, I kept asking Maxie's doctor's and nurses if he would be able to crawl when he came out of the coma.  "He is only a day or two away from crawling", I kept repeating.  He was so determined.  He was so close.  How dare he be taken away before he could crawl!  It makes me furious.

Once Mo starts crawling, I'm afraid that my most immediate memories of Maxie will further fade.  Having Mo in this stage helps to me keep Maxie alive in my head, as I last saw him.  I'm afraid Mo won't remind me so much of Maxie anymore.  He will look less and less like Maxie as I last remember him.  He already IS all Mo - a completely unique little boy - but I love that I see his brother in his face.  I love it.  I love them both so much.

Stay tuned for crawling vid.  Pretty sure it is coming real soon.


Auntie Mip said...

Hello friend,

I pop in from time to time to see how you are doing and catch up on your darling Mo. He is lovely!

I was listening to some music the other day and thought of you. I love P!NK. This particular song I was listening to is called The Great Escape. The premise is this. That there are circumstances in your our life that are paralyzingly painful That often the people who care about us do not want to see us in that pain. Cannot tolerate us in that pain. The urge us to make the great escape.

The chorus brought me straight to you...

But, I won't let you make the great escape,
I'm never gonna watch you checkin out of this place
I'm not gonna lose you
Cause the passion and pain
Are gonna keep you alive someday

Those who know you, those who care for you and your future, those who love you, know that the passion and pain of Maxie's death really will keep you alive. Burying pain and grief will never allow you to live in joy one day down the road. Anyone who thinks you should be over the death of your child is not someone you need in your life.

Maxie's life was worth the passion and pain. And Mo's life will bring you joy Your heart was built for this!

God's Peace.

Here's the thing. You can grieve Max and anguish over his death and yet still live a joyful life with Mo and his daddy. These two concepts are not mutually exclusive.

Hannah said...

Aw, both boys so cute. I think they do look very alike. xxx

Anonymous said...

I think he looks exactly like his big brother except with more hair! absolutely precious :-) I am sure your Max is looking down on his little brother & smiling & cheering for him as he crawls! He will always look over him, forever

robyn said...

both of your boys are gorgeous and i am glad that you see so much of maxie in mo. mo will continue to grow and become such an amazing little guy...i can't wait to watch that happen. and i am sure your memories of maxie will stay with you always, he was such a beautiful little boy.