Counting Down to Max

Time flies by

They grow up too quickly

Where did the time go?

Time was my enemy.  From the day summer camp started, I was already stressed out about it ending.  

So little time!!!

Every vacation is the same way.  5 days left.  4 days left.  3 days left...... It's time to go home already but you just got there.

Getting older felt like a curse.  There was so much to accomplish and life was getting ahead of me.  It felt like I was running out of time.

For the year between losing Max and Mo's birth, time stood still.  STOOD STILL.  The minutes felt like hours.  I felt trapped in hell.  I had all of the time in the world to think about the huge enormous loss we'd suffered and nothing at all could distract me.  Even when I tried, because I did try here and there, it was impossible.  I could only think of my Max.  I could only think of my broken heart.  When I was speaking about anything else at all it was like a robot on autopilot.  Words would come out of my mouth but I was completely detached from them.  This remained true through Mo's first months of life.  I was going through the motions.

My days fly by now.  They "fly by".  I am busy working.  I am busy with Mo.  I spend time with friends and family.  I have so many distractions.  Time is no longer my enemy.  It passes quickly because my life is full.  I don't worry about Mo growing up too quickly - I want him to grow up quickly.  I want him out of, what I consider to be, the danger zone (even though I know people die of all ages...)  Instead of counting down with anxiety like I have always done in the past, I count down to Max.  He is waiting for me and I am trying to get to him as quickly as I can.


Anonymous said...

I have been following your blog almost from the beginning. I am heartbroken for your loss and everything you've endured that is associated with it. I am also so glad you see the good in life again, and that you are optomistic about living. This is what Max wants you to do. He is looking down, or up, or through, or beyond wherever he is, and he wants to recognize the Mommy he left behind. He wants you to enjoy life again . . . I am sure of it . . . and he wants his brother to have every opportunity that he didn't have, including a Mommy who savors each moment (and I know you often say you do). But when you say you can hardly wait to get through life and be with him, consider how Mo will feel reading that sometime in the future . . . He doesn't want you to rush through your life with him . . . and he wants you around as long as is humanly possible. This life is but a blink in the scheme of the vast forever . . . I do hope you get to the point where you're not afraid to slow down.

Abby Leviss said...

It's so true. I feel pulled and pushed. I savor every moment with Mo, because I ADORE him and I want to BE with him as much as humanly possible - to savor every bit of his loveliness. And, at the same time, I feel tremendous guilt that I don't get to do the same with Maxie. I miss him so much and I can't wait to be with him. It is a strange mix. The way I look at it, the more I can enjoy this life, the quicker it will go - that no longer feels like a bad thing. The juxtaposition of "good" and "bad", kindness and insensitivity, sorrow and love, pain and joy - it's just too much for words and it is all in every second I live. Little Mo, if you are reading this in the future - YOU ARE MY LIGHT!!!! I love you to forever!

Jayden's Mommy said...

I feel the same way I need Kyle out of this danger zone. And the faster we go the closer I'm to Jayden. I think our boys will always understand. Kyle is my light every day. And Mo is as well. Thanks Abby.