Sibling Rivalry

Sometimes I catch myself saying things that make me feel terrible:
"Who is the cutest baby in the world?"
"You are the best baby boy!"
"I love you more than ANYONE!"
They aren't just words either because I love Mo more than anyone and he is the cutest thing on earth.
How can I say these things though?  My Max was just as cute!  Just as good!  I love him just as much!
I worry that Max hears me.....that he thinks I love Mo more than I love/d him...that I think Mo is better or cuter.  Most people worry if my love for Max will make Mo feel badly.  I know that Mo will know how much I love him, because I am obsessed with this boy and I am not afraid to express my love.  I'm all over him all of the time.  I worry more that Max will think I've forgotten him or replaced him.
I wonder if it would be the same if I had two living boys.  Would the words just not even come out of my mouth?  I know I'd have to perform a balancing act - making sure they both felt equal love - but I can only imagine what that would be like.  My reality is that I get to show Mo all of my love every day - with words, with cuddles, with hugs, kisses, and pushes on a swing.
I don't know how to show Max my love.  I have to just rely on him being someplace where jealousy, sibling rivalry, and feelings of rejection don't exist.  I rely on him knowing that he is always in my heart and part of my soul.  I love him just as much.  Always will....


Em said...

I love reading your blog. I read it here and there before our rainbow was born but just couldn't do so regularly until he made his appearance. Anyway, our rainbow boy is our fourth boy. We have one daughter in heaven. I tell my lil rainbow I love him all the time. I tell him he's the cutest baby ever (and it's true=he is the cutest baby right now). His brothers are no longer babies and his big sister who died at 10 months old would no longer be a baby either. I don't think Eva is jealous. She knows how much I love her, cry for her, miss her. Cause I say those things all the time too. If she can hear me tell Nathan how cute he is etc...then she can hear me missing and loving her too. I also think that she's happy there and that, while she's excited for me to come to heaven too...she's not just sitting there waiting. She's playing. With Max, with Emily, with so many other children in heaven with her.

Susan said...

Aww, I do the same and tell Madeleine she's my best girl - it's hard, isn't it? They were never alive at the same time, and you haven't had to negotiate that either... they are both my best girls xx