Faith

Friday, September 13, 2013

Considering tonight is Erev Yom Kippur (or, the first night of Yom Kippur), the holiest of all Jewish Holidays....

And considering that much my life has been centered on Judaism - my summer camp, my career, one of my Masters Degrees, my favorite holidays, so many of my social connections....

And considering that marrying a Jewish man and raising a Jewish family was very important to me....

Considering ALL of this, I find it ironic (or - I don't even know if that is the word) that I feel like I have no spiritual base on which to lean during this incredibly challenging period of my life.  I love Judaism.  Honestly, I do.  Judaism to me is all heart - community, caring for those less fortunate, tradition, celebration, holidays, Israel.  There is also a model of rising up from the ashes that has served me throughout this journey through grief.  But, Judaism hasn't really helped me to understand where Maxie is....how a loving god could have done this to him (and us)......what happens after we die......what is the meaning of this life?

On this Yom Kippur eve, I am still looking for answers - as I assume I will be for a long time - unless I can finally just live with the idea that I may never have them.  I suppose that is what faith is - living with the knowledge that you will never have the answers.  The faithful call it "trusting".  That is what I am aiming for.

2 comments:

Lu said...

Am new to your blog and sadly am also new to this nightmare club that I joined in May this year after losing my teenage son Adem to Leukemia. Thank you for expressing yourself so articulately. All your words, feelings, emotions, questions and crazy thoughts are all so real and true to me. You are writing and speaking on behalf of most of us broken mothers. No matter what religion or culture we are from our heartbreak is universal. Thank you for for sharing your story, it really does make me feel less alone. We started a website for our son to continue his legacy and help others. If you are interested visit www.teamadem.com.au I am sending you and your beautiful family lots of love, strength and energy for the future. Lu. from Sunny Queensland in Australia.

Taryn said...

You are doing things right. I know God understands. I think sometimes life puts you in a place where outward religious observances become a social dance, rather than being spiritually enlightening and fulfilling. I highly doubt God will penalize you for looking within yourself as you search for a connection to Him, your son and your beliefs in a much more meaningful and intimate way than any religious rituals allow. Your trust and faith are a much greater offering, especially at this time when both are being so dearly tested. You may not be fasting or going through the traditional motions, but you are in the bitter, yet sacred trenches of your own spiritual journey.

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