Making friends

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Just because I have sought out new friendships doesn't mean that I think it's the answer for all grievers. The first years were so hard for me and it added to my grief tremendously that my loved ones weren't all accepting of how deep my grief ran. I often felt that there was nobody who I could safely be sad around. It is still a constant challenge for me, but, as I explained yesterday, having new people around who accept this new version of me has been validating and liberating for me.

Ted is really the friendlier one of the two of us. He is outgoing and jokey and generally much more open.  Sometimes he teases me about all of the new friends I've made "Look at you!", he says, "Makin' new friends!!!"  We both know how unlikely it would have seemed to both of us a couple of years back. Since losing Max, Ted feels the opposite really. It isn't that he is against new people, he just has no interest in seeking them out.  He's much more interested in just sticking with what we know. It feels safer to him, which makes complete sense to me. He's still the more sociable one of our pair, he'd just rather stay in his comfort zone for now. 

When I was newly bereaved, I was searching for the answers about how to do "this" and I felt frustrated all of the time that there seemed to be no set plan for me to follow. What I've learned is that there really, really is none and that often I just feel like I am flailing around with no structure to help me keep all of this grief together.  But, the fact is that we all do what helps us survive best and we just have to trust that with time, the path we need to follow will become more clear. It feels like it's been taking a long time for me to figure out how I am going to do this - but the truth is that I'm still so early on this path. We've really only just lost him.  He was here only a moment ago. His absence is still the most obvious thing in both of our lives all of the time. Be patient with yourself, and if you need a new friend, give me a call.

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