Babies everywhere!!

Were there so many babies everywhere before?  I didn't notice them.  AND - I WAS LOOKING FOR THEM!  Now, I am also looking for them, or should I say, I am on the lookout for them.  They are everywhere.  In really unlikely places even.  Suzy and I had lunch at the Laurel Tavern on Monday.  There were 3 different families with 3 different babies, all under 1 year.  It's a bar!  For last night's anniversary dinner, we went to a restaurant in downtown Burbank that seemed safe.  There is a big bar and kind of a nighttime vibe.  I would not have brought Maxie there.  Of course, 2 minutes after sitting down, a loud family with a baby (probably 4 months old) sits in the booth directly behind us.  Ted and I switched seats so I wouldn't have to look at the baby.  The family is cooing over this baby, we can hardly get the waitress's attention because she is all about the baby.  Ted is staring at the baby.  I am staring at Ted staring at the baby.  Ted asks again what this test could possibly be about.  We make a pact to sit "belly up" at the bar from now on or ask to be moved in the future when a baby is seated next to us.  Babies are now the scariest things I can think about.  But, again, I LOVE BABIES!

To be honest, I did not like taking Max to restaurants.  When he was under six months, it was partly because I never knew when I would have to breastfeed him and I was not a real "comfortable in public" breastfeeder.  I would have used the "hooter hider" and been comfortable, if Max would have let me, but he liked to look into my eyes, so I couldn't really drape him under anything for very long.  Sometimes I would just take him into the back of the car and put on the air conditioning to nurse him, but, that wasn't exactly an enjoyable way to spend the afternoon.  Often, the food would come right at the moment Max would start crying and I would have to step away.  I liked going to people's houses, where I could sneak off to another room or having people come over here (preferable).  The truth is that Max brought out the homebody in me.  If you hadn't seen me in 9.5 months before this tragedy, it isn't because I don't love you or because I didn't want to see you, it is because I wanted to be at home with my baby.  I wanted to be in his environment, with all of his toys and food and stuff.  I wanted to put him down at bedtime and not keep him up for our entertainment.  I wanted to work around his schedule.  That is what made he and I happiest.  I hardly liked going out for the evening and leaving Max with my mom to babysit.  I was just thinking about Max the whole time I was out anyway, so why go out?

I miss Max today and everyday.  I miss his little squeaks and yelps.  I miss the way he chewed on his little fists.  I miss his smirky smile.  I miss his easy ability to connect with people.  Is this a test?  If so, are we passing it?  Was there a reason that a lovely, angelic, innocent baby had to be sacrificed to test Ted and I?  Do things like this really just happen at random?  Where the hell is my baby?  Why the hell did this happen to us?  Ted and I are good people!!!!!  I am so angry!  Nobody good to be angry at either.  I am angry at god!  So angry.

There are a lot of you who are trying hard to comfort us.  Sending texts messages and emails and trying to make a visit.  I appreciate it all, really, especially because most people have disappeared by now.  If I haven't given you enough positive reinforcement when you have tried so hard, please take it with a grain of salt.  My world has caved in.  I am not thinking about how to make sure you know that I appreciate you.  If you have made the effort, I appreciate it, even if I haven't called you back - I appreciate it.