Missing Maxie

Yesterday marks two months since our nightmare began.  Tomorrow marks two months since the last time we spent with Maxie.  Yesterday Ted came home from work in an obvious foul mood.  He changed out of his jeans and went into the living room and put on his Giants football game.  He was getting angry at the TV.  He turned to me and said, "I have a lot of anger!  You know how you are sad?  I am angry!"  Teddy, I get it!  I am angry too...but you are right, I am more sad.  Makes sense that the Daddy would be ANGRY!

I don't want to forget one detail of Max's life.  I am so scared I will forget something.  I will obviously not forget the big things, but I want to try and remember all of the little things too.  Today I want to tell you about our flight home from the East Coast in June.  Our flight wasn't until 5 or 6 so we spent the day doing stuff.  Max got in his first nap while I packed up.  Ted went over to his parents to do some work on their house (I can't remember what).  Somehow we all lost track of time and even though we had all day to get to the airport, we ended up driving there in a mad rush and arriving only 30 minutes before our flight.  I strapped Max to me in his Bjorn and Ted and I started running.  We tried to check in at the curb but they told us we were too late.  Then we ran into the building and somehow we split up.  I think Ted ran off with luggage and I was inside with the baby.  Bonnie came in and we were speaking to some of the airline representatives mulling about, who told us we were too late.  She pleaded with someone who finally said that they would make an exception and asked me to come with them to the counter.  That person was walking WAY too quick for me.  I had Max strapped to me, carrying the stroller and a small wheelie bag.  Max was bouncing over the place while I tried to keep up with this guy.  When we finally got there, they berated me for getting there late and kept saying if my husband didn't get to the counter by the time they were finished typing, we should forget about it.  I was frantically trying to text Ted.  Finally he made it.  We pushed our way through security and got on the plane.  Because we were so late, our seats were not together, but Ted charmed a few passengers into switching and we sat down.  Max was an ANGEL through the whole thing, despite having missed his second nap.  As soon as we sat down though, he melted.  Not really crying, more like whining.  I bounced him.  I pulled his face up to mine, kissed him on his cheeks and sang in his ear.  I rubbed his little back. I pulled out toys.  He was a little frantic.  I lifted him in the air.  Suddenly, a smile.  I brought him back down to my lap - more whining.  Lifted him in the air, a little smile.  I turned around and looked through the cracks in the seat to see an older man, with crooked teeth making funny faces at Max.  I let Max look at him over the seat, he was delighted.  Of course, I couldn't depend on that guy for the whole flight but he helped take the edge off a very stressful situation and he made my boy happy.  Max fussed for most of the flight until I strapped him back into the Bjorn and threw a very light blanket over him.  We went to the back of the plane where I could swing from side to side.  He feel asleep at last, with his little cheek pressed against my chest while I rubbed his back and sang to him.  I would give anything to be at the back of that plane with my little boy.

Maxie, I dream about you every night.  I think about you all day long.  You are still our most favorite person, whether you are here with us or not.  Mommy is so sad.  Daddy is so angry.  We love you with all of our hearts.  We miss you like crazy.