Stronger than me

In the last two months, I have "met" so many amazing women who have lost children.  I have actually spoken to men and women who have lost children of all ages, but I have spent the most time trying to connect to and size up the women who have lost babies. What I can say about every single one of the women that I have spoken to are that they are stronger than me.  Many of them went back to work full time almost immediately because they were looking for a distraction (I don't want to be distracted from my grieving).  Many of them got pregnant right away (I am incredibly jealous...if you can even be jealous of someone who has been through what we have been through).  All of them have accepted that their child is gone and never coming back (while I am FIGHTING this every step of the way).

I am reading about life after death and near death experiences and reincarnation.  The other morning I was in the living room real early on the internet when Ted called to me, "What are you doing?", he asked.  "I am on the Dianetics website!", I called back to him.  "Get off the computer and come back into bed", he said.  I came into the room and he gave me a look and I said, "Listen, don't worry, I am not going to become a Scientologist.  I wouldn't want to humiliate you like that BUT - they DO believe in reincarnation...so, there's that."  OK, I have now come to understand that MANY world religions believe in reincarnation, like the Buddhists.  They are a respectable group, right?  I mean, half the Jews I know strive to be more Bu than Jew.  I also found out that the Kabbalists believe in reincarnation.  Dr Dwight, my OBGYN delivered Madonna's first baby Lourdes, and I went to elementary school with Guy Oseary, so here is something else we could have in common (She and I....best friends forever?)  Of course, becoming a Kabbalist might make my dad cringe a little, but I think even he could admit that at least we'd still be on the same holiday schedule.  I spoke to a psychic over the weekend and I am not going to tell you what she said here.  I don't want ANYONE to spoil the comfort that she gave me with her reading.  All I can say is HOLY SHIT!  This woman knew details of recent conversations that I have had with my family and friends and even details of stuff that has been happening in my head.  It was REAL specific too....not just like, "You are so incredibly sad and your baby loves you".  No.  (If you are skeptical, do me a favor - KEEP IT TO YOURSELF!)  If everything she said is true, I might as well stop mourning because Maxie is near me and he is well and we will be reunited again.  Of course, I cannot stop mourning.  I feel like it's my job.  I feel like a slacker when I do my actual job.  I am doing my best to create balance but I am aware that I am in the very early stages of this process.

Ok, but back to these women!  Were they on the search like I am?  Did they feel the desperate need to dig up all of the information that the world has to offer?  There were a couple who had more tragedy after this.  MORE TRAGEDY AFTER SIDS?  The thought is completely paralyzing.  Yet, they are still standing...everyone of them with new children and gigantic hearts.  I have a friend who recently asked me how I keep going.  Huh?  I am not sure what the choice is.  Like, why haven't I killed myself yet?  Believe me, there are many nights that I go to sleep and hope that I stop breathing but I don't see killing myself as an option.  Was she trying to say that if she was me, she would kill herself?  I am probably reading too much into it...as I OFTEN do these days.  I am not going to kill myself for the same reason I am not going to become a Scientologist.  It isn't really the answer.  How do I keep going?  I am not sure how one would define that.  I wake up in the morning because I have no choice.  I try to keep sleeping but I am not programmed for a fall hibernation.  I sit down and write this blog because it is what I have to do to keep myself sane and to honor Maxie's memory.  I eat because I get hungry.  I answer work emails and work on cleaning up files in our database because it distracts me and because again, I don't really think I have a choice.  Sometimes I go for  a walk because I think that eventually I want to have a healthy pregnancy.  Then, my husband comes home and we sit together until it is time to go to sleep and do it all over again.  Not really living...more like surviving.  Sometimes I have visions of doing so much more!   I imagine changing the world in Max's memory!  Growing from this experience and treating every second on earth like it is my very last, thereby ensuring myself the sweetest existence that ever was...filled with only things that make my heart pound with delight!  Pouring myself into my job and staying late at organizational functions just so I can be sure that no stone is left unturned...opening my heart with empathy to mean donors who yell at me, knowing that their lives are empty and that they take it out on me because they can!  Calling every person who ever touched my life to let them know what they have given me.  Yet, I ignore most phone calls from most people, I wear the same sweatpants every day, and I hardly leave my house.  I would love to be that person that I just described.  I think I ALWAYS wanted to be her.  But, now more than ever, it is clear to me that even SHE is stronger than ME.