Maxie's Birthday Party

Max's birthday is coming up.  The anniversary of the very best day of our lives, when our little boy came into this world.  This was a day we were really looking forward to: the chance to celebrate Max, to make him the center of attention, to give him his first bites of birthday cake, to shower presents on him.  Instead we are planning a memorial. Ted and I have started to talk about the details of the day.  We have to do it at the end of the day on Yom Kippur (the 8th) because the 7th, which is Max's birthday is a Friday and Erev Yom Kippur.  So, we will combine Max's memorial with breaking the fast.  Double downer day.  I am sure it is not appropriate to say how much I dislike Yom Kippur.  But, there, I said it.  Flash backs of my childhood synagogue where nobody brushed their teeth in the morning and so with each "Al Chait" was a new burst of bad breath (the very religious take fasting to a whole new level).   Anyway, the idea of confessing my sins this year makes me crazy.  Did I sin?  Or, did G-d, the almighty, enact a terrible sin against me?  Was it MY sin, some terrible sin I don't even remember, that caused Max to die?  Was it my Lashon Ha Rah (gossip)? Or my vanity (trying to lose baby weight)? Or my overprotectiveness (thereby not trusting that G-d would ensure everything would be ok)?  Which TERRIBLE sin of mine was it EXACTLY that caused my only child to be killed?  I am sick that instead of picking out a cake decorated with monkeys and rainforest, I am deciding which poems we should read around the tree that we are planting in his memory in our front yard.  What should I pray for this year?  Or, is the point for me to go to services and surrender to G-d's will and just nod my head in the trust that Max's life ended for a reason I cannot understand.  If G-d is so great, can he/she forgive me for being so incredibly ANGRY?  If not, I guess I am going to hell.  I will be in good practice when I get there because I am currently living in the earthly version of it.  I am beyond bitter.

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