Yesterday was pure hell.  It felt all day like my soul was trying to leap right out of my body.  Every second of the day was torture.  I sent Ted a text during the day to see how he was feeling and he wrote back, "pretty rough".  I figured he must be having the same kind of day that I was.  As it turns out, the day for him was rough in a different way.  He was stung by three wasps - on his head, his face and the side of his chest.  Poor guy!  Between the stinging insects and the poison oak, he cannot catch a break.  Since he didn't pass out and have to go to the emergency room, I think it is pretty safe that whatever put him in the hospital the week after Maxie's funeral was not a wasp.  These stings or bites that he has now have swollen up and are really red.  The mystery insect hardly left a mark. 
My mom went on Monday to get her arm checked out and it is still broken in half.  It hasn't healed much (if at all) since the day she broke it.  This means many more weeks in her terrible cast.  It breaks my heart.  I have been spending a lot of time with her and I get kind of annoyed when she wants to talk about something other than Maxie or how painful this all is.  She is a fighter.  She works hard to be a really happy person and everyone who knows her knows that her hard work pays off.  She is a very happy person, even though I know this is killing her.
Last night I asked Ted to help me picture what our lives will be like when we are happy again.  He said he can't see that far into the future.  I started crying.  He said he was sorry, he just wasn't in a good mood.  Of course he wasn't.  He had huge welts all over his body from the stings.   I am sorry to both of them for being so selfish.  I am the healthy one.  I can't keep looking to them to take care of me.  Sometimes I feel so ashamed about how much pain I am in when there is nothing physically wrong with me.  My pain is all emotional.  Even if it feels like my heart has been torn out of my body, it hasn't. 

1 comment

Kimberly Bonheim Birbrower said...

You are, and will always be, a mother. Maxie has not vanished. His spirit is here, connecting people who never even knew him. If you can find a way to be kind to yourself, I believe you deserve that kindness. Your heart is breaking into a million pieces.

I heard about something today that made me think of you and Ted. It is a reef in Eilat where people can swim and interact with dolphins. The reef has a special therapy program geared towards helping people who have been through a traumatic experience.

I know it is a long shot, but today I envisioned you and Ted swimming with the dolphins in Eilat. I read when you said that neither of you can imagine a life without pain, but for some reason, I can imagine that for you.

Thinking of you today.