I know my obsession with mediums and life after death has got to seem to many like pure craziness. Like I have lost my mind to a certain extent. Perhaps I have. I have definitely lost my heart. My heart, which became so full when little Maxie got here, was stepped on and squashed and spit on. Like it was nothing. And, for a long time, I thought about joining Max. I still cannot wait to be with him again. But I am here and he is "there"...wherever that may be.
And, for some parents, that is enough. Either they "know" there is nothing else and they are working to come to grips with never, ever seeing their child again. Or, they "know" that their god saves, and therefore they will be reunited in his heavenly kingdom. Or, they just "know" like Ted and I do, that there is something else...but we don't know what it is. Ted has more faith than I do, believe it or not. He is not a skeptic in the slightest. He just "knows" that we will be with Max again. I envy him. He doesn't need to search. He just needs to wait until the time has come and he is reunited with his baby boy. I am pretty sure he is right and that time will come, but I don't have the patience to wait. And, again, though I wish it weren't true, I am skeptical. I worry that when you are dead, you are dead. Painful.
Still, I knew with absolute certainty when Max was about four months old that I had known him always. Not just because I loved him deeply, but because I could feel the very essence of who he was deep in the fiber of my being. It's inexplicable. Some people tell me all parents feel this way. Other people tell me that they didn't feel like that with their children. I've never felt anything like it before but it went way beyond the boundaries of what I knew of relationships, family and love. It went way beyond what I knew to be true of the world we live in and how I have always made sense of it. I felt our connectedness on a spiritual level that was so much bigger than anything I have words for. Experiencing that deep connection leads me to believe that there is more than I can understand in this world. Not sure why. It is this that has led me on a search to find my boy. If it takes the rest of my lifetime, I will find him again. I would cross the moon and the stars and the whole entirety of the universe to be with Max again. And, once I get him back, I will cling to him with all that I am. (My friend Eowyn just bought us the book "Wherever you go, my love will find you" - I WILL find him. I am totally devoted to him for eternity).
So, I have just given in, knowing that I will be visiting mediums and gurus and past life regressionists and after death communicators and ANYONE at all who can give me some peace. I have been warned to tread lightly. This can be an addiction like gambling in some ways - addicted to the good feelings that come from an accurate reading...saddened by the feelings that come from a bad one....and then more determined than ever to connect again. Eventually I may be draped in crystals and smell like the heavy scent of lavender or patchouli oil. My nieces might think of me as their "Crazy Aunt Abby". I might start talking about astral visits and astrological signs. I will try to temper it with some good old self deprecation and irony to make it an easier pill for you all to swallow. And - I promise to keep shaving. Have I gone crazy? For sure. Do I care? Not at all. Nothing matters more to me than my baby and I will search for him for as long as it takes until I either find him here on earth or I finally get to where he is. That is a mother's love.
*** On a related side note. In addition to the beautiful quilt we received from Emalee on Thursday, I also received something in the mail that I believe was a sign from Maxie saying "I DO want to talk to you Mommy! I love you! Thank you for trying so hard to be with me again. I am trying to connect to you as much as you are trying to connect to me! We will find each other Mommy!" I have chosen to believe this....that Max wants me as much as I want him. I know we will find each other and I am committed to continuing my search for him until that happens. I love you Max with all that I am and I will never, ever give up.
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You are not crazy for searching and searching for your lovely Maxie. It makes total sense to me. I'd do the exact same thing. Thinking of you often.
I understand what you're saying about your feelings regarding knowing Maxie. I think it is more than just a mother's love. Having three children myself, I feel as though I knew my oldest child in other times. Our connection feels otherworldly. On the other hand, I don't have this with my other two. I love them equally, feel protective of them, and would gladly die for the one that is still living but I just don't have that unexplainable, otherworldly connection with them. Sam and I will actually fall asleep and dream the same things. I'll look at the phone when I'm away and will him to call me and he will. I do feel like we've known each other for centuries, and not in the same way that I know my other two.
I don't say this much because it sounds awful, but I don't think Toby was meant to be here. Not that he was an accident at ALL, but I think he got some mixed signals and fell through a wormhole or something. I think that's why he was born 4 weeks early-because he realized he wouldn't live long and he wanted us to spend as much time together as possible. He was our gift for a little while. Looking back, it feels like he took care of us more than we took care of him.
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