Anxious
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Is there such thing as a low grade panic attack? If so, I have been having one all morning. I have so much anxiety about Baby M and also Max. I am still in complete disbelief at times that Max is gone. The horror is ripping my insides out. And, I am SO SCARED about Baby M. I also noticed this morning two stories from blogging moms about rainbow babies. In one post, the baby's monitor went off because the baby stopped breathing for 20 seconds. In the second post, the mommy lost her rainbow baby (in addition, one woman posted about losing her rainbow baby on my SIDS online support site and I am the only one who responded to her. NOT ONE other person wrote one word of support to her. If I thought it was ostracizing to lost one child - even the SIDS mommies won't respond to the woman who has lost more than one. I feel sick thinking about it). I have heard too many stories in the last few months of parents losing their rainbow babies. It hurts everything in my whole body. I used to put so much trust in doctors and now I realize that as far as the medical field has come, in many ways, they have barely scratched the surface...particularly in the areas most important to me and my baby - genetics and SIDS research. So, I have no choice but to step blindly into the unknown with this child who is a gift to my family. This child who we are so anxious to love and spoil and kiss and hug. The last year has been chock full of a combination of the most scary events that I could possibly imagine and I see no end in sight.
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7 comments
My heart breaks for these moms and their families – this world is so, so cruel. You are so amazing to support the mom on your support site despite the immense emotion and terror that her very horrible experience must induce. I want so badly to protect you from all these experiences of others and assure you that baby M is going to be strong and healthy and live a very long, long life. I know it must be near impossible to “keep the faith” when faced with such scary examples but I’m keeping it for you and sending you strength to get through this day and tomorrow and beyond!
I'm sorry about the other mother not getting any comments. If that was on our board, I didn't see it. I am only getting email updates from the threads that I replied to. I kept getting in trouble on there and for my own sanity have stayed away.
There is some ostracizing when a person loses two children. What's that line in THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST? "To lose one parent, Mr. Worthing, may be regarded as a misfortune. To lose both looks like carelessness." It's said in jest in the context of the play, but I believe people truly look at childloss like that. I have encountered parents before who lost more than one baby to SIDS and a lot of the other SIDS parents have not been as accepting once they hear that news. It is sickening. If there is a genetic component to SIDS (and that's just as plausible as anything else) then of course it would make sense that a second baby could be subjected to it. I get so angry at the thought that someone gets treated that way. It's not fair.
Losing another child is terrifying - I think partly because we actually know how awful it is. I think before you lose a child - you don't let yourself go there - you think for 4 seconds THAT WOULD BE AWFUL and pull your head away. When your child dies you actually live it.
I'm so sorry you're feeling anxious. I'm not surprised - this is a really difficult time for you. This may sound heartless - but as you come towards the end of our pregnancy, I think you need to focus all your energy on you. I don't know you well enough to know what that would mean for you, but it seems like the the right thing to do for now. Maybe, turn off the support boards for a few weeks - perhaps it isn't helping you to be giving emotinonal support to others at this time - maybe watching every episode of Babylon 5 :-) Maybe just lying down, eating chocolate and feeling Baby M kick?
Take care x
You are probably right. Is Babylon 5 a good show? I think my own situation just feels so so scary and the doctors keep saying things like "there are no guarantees" - and I want to scream "DUH!" at the top of my lungs. There are no guarantees with anything but IS MY CHILD HEALTY? You know? And, then I think about everyone who is going through what I am going through and I can't believe that I have to take even one more breath. But, ya, I can always watch more television :) It is "The Year of Television" afterall!
In five million years, I never meant to point my finger at YOU for not responding to the mommy. But, there are like 100 people at least on our site and none of them responded and SOME of them are years into their grief and perhaps could have had something to offer. Lately, it seems that they are all too busy praying for our souls or telling us to read that stupid SIDS survival guide - that I threw in the trash because it upset me so much. YOU need to concentrate on YOU! Seriously. Don't look at the support boards anymore. I am going to take Susan's advice and keep myself away from them also until Baby M gets here at least.
Babylon 5 is ok - it is a sci-fi fantasy show with some ok acting, and a complex plot line - but I picked it because it used to air here at 5pm, and therefore won't be too scary - and because it has about 2 zillion episodes. It is definitely a better use of your time at the moment than almost anything. You need some non-traumatic distraction. At the moment, the most important thing is to get through the days.
At the end of my pregnancy with Miss M I spent a weekend watching back episodes of the Vampire Diaries - it is a teen show - and they are vampires. Child death is sort of off the agenda. I found it very calming... where as if I'd been reading Dickens or Austen or something like that, there would be kids dying all over the place, and I'd have been a wreck.
Fear is my signature emotion. I don't get depressed - I like to tackle things head on - but if I am going to fall apart, anxiety is my nemesis. Of course it is frightening - and I don't mean to sound trite - it is just all we can do is everything we can (practically that is) and you have done that - and now you need to watch some shit tv for a while. And keep away from people who piss you off, wind you up further, don't support you, or are draining.
Please be selfish for a little while. The other things I did was bake - but that's me - maybe that would send you bonkers. Walking usually calms me too - but I was too tired and sore at the end of my pregnancy - me being an old biddy that is. Or shopping? That works for a lot of people.
Things will get easier - I promise xx
I was given that advice of not reading anymore about SIDS happening twice. I been scared and paranoid and anxious and just crazyness since I found out im pregnant and I worry day and night about this happening again. I dont know much about the grieving boards: just thinking about it and hearing that another baby is going thru this again it hurts.
You mentioned the foot massages I love those and here the are so expensive at least $45 dollars so I will probably do many of those but I guess its true what Susan says about been to tired to walk around and its summer so the heat. Thinking of you. Kira
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