Sometimes I catch glimpses of another path.  A path where I learn to enjoy this life I've been given, even in the absence of my beloved.  A path where I spend time with family and friends and enjoy them, while still honoring Maxie's spirit and loving him with all of my heart.  It is a path that I want to walk so badly, even though I resent having to gather so much strength to do it.  It is a path that I know every bereaved parent needs to choose eventually, or they will wilt away, and suffer for the rest of their time here.  I try to convince myself, or have faith or remember that this life is temporary.  Max and I will be together again.  And when that happens, we will get all of eternity to play.  But, I get scared that it is just a fantasy.  It seems that I must eventually figure out how to get through this life as easy and quickly as possible.  It just makes me so mad that I even have to contemplate how to do that.  What seems to help just a little these days is talking to Max: late at night, when the whole house is quiet, I sit alone and tell him how much I miss him - how much I love him - how I can't wait to be together again.  I tell him my dreams and hopes for his little brother, for his daddy and I, for his future siblings.  I tell him how much I wish he was here to be momma's little helper, so that I could watch him grow and play like a big boy.  It gives me time to connect and reflect.  I think he would want me to choose this other path.  I hope that I can find the strength to make that choice.

Today I must gather all of the strength that I can muster because we have the hard task of going through Max's clothes to see what we will keep for Baby M and what we will put aside because it was quintessentially "Max".  My mom is coming over to help.  I can't imagine it will be easy for any of us.  Just being in Max's room hurts my insides.  But, it is the next step on this path - a step I have dreaded for eleven months - just like every other step on this journey.  There is no getting around it - only through it.  I am praying for strength today and every day....because I am not "strong", I am just a woman who has been be handed a choice that no person should ever have to make but that so many of us do.


Anonymous said...

Sending lots of love, you've likely already made it through the majority of the task at hand as I'm posting late in the day but I'm thinking of you tons and hoping the day went as well as it could and you have found some special Maxie memories to preserve and some wonderful things he is passing on to his brother. Hugs- Eowyn said...

Im thinking of you. We moved 6 weeks after loosing Jayden. And going thru his stuff was painful. It took Jared and I 3 days of crying and we will stop and go back and pack. We had so many outfits that Jayden ddint get to wear. And then the precious ones that he spent so much time on. Im sorry honey. We pray for u and Ted.