No past, No present, No future

I bought a few things for Baby M and now I am worried that I tempted fate.  I got him a co-sleeper and a little napper too.  I don't want to take them out the boxes.  I am so scared.  So, I don't think I should get him anything else.  And, I am not sure when it will be safe.  Oh my god - I am so freaking scared.  I am avoiding the future.

I haven't been in Maxie's room in months.  I used to go in there all of the time.  It made me feel closer to my baby. But the last time I peeked my head in there, my whole chest tightened up.  All of the beautiful memories washed over me and left me stunned.  I feel guilty about not going in there anymore.  I hope Maxie doesn't think I am trying to distance myself from him.  I am only trying to distance myself from the pain (not so successfully, I might add).  My mom has offered several times to go in there with me and go through Maxie's clothes and start getting the room ready for Baby M.  She thinks I am avoiding her offer.  I am avoiding the room.  I am avoiding my past.

We won't know until we know so I am moving one day at a time.  "One day (breath) at a time" rolls off everyone else's tongue but try living it.  I dare you.  Don't look at the clock to see if it is almost time to go home.  Don't book your ticket for your next vacation.  Don't start planning your child's next birthday party.  Don't think about anything but right this minute.  See how long you can keep that going.  Just try for one day.  Think of it as a "fun" experiment.  I have been trying to do this for ten and a half months.  It's making me crazy.  I am avoiding my present.

I am living in a parallel universe.  A universe where I cannot move forward, I cannot go backwards.  I am stuck in this nothingness.  I am freaked out - believing against my own will, that nothing good can ever come to me again.  That I have already had my fill of good in this life and now it is done.  I am afraid to think good thoughts and also afraid to think bad ones.  In my experience, thinking so many good thoughts for Maxie didn't help his future, perhaps my love contributed to his death in some twisted way.  Like I thought I/we deserved too much.  I often get sucked into really bad thoughts then and my grief counselor (and others) says "Thoughts are very powerful.  Be careful with what you are thinking".  I can't think positively.  I can't think negatively.  I try my hardest to not think at all.


Susan Ireland said...

This is what I think. "One day at a time, and remember to breathe" is a tool to help you. You shouldn't feel constrained by it. It's the grief that is the burden - not trying to live in the present. Living in the present is about throwing out things that you don't need to worry about, because you have no headspace available to deal with them just now. It is about giving yourself permission to do whatever you feel up to or want to do, and know that everything else doesn't matter.

If you don't want to take your co-sleeper out of the box, don't do it. You don't need to sort Maxie's room. Baby M doesn't need a room - he's going to be interested in nothing except you for weeks (at least) after he arrives. I have a friend who stored her new babies' clothes on the floor next to the dresser, because she couldn't turf out her 4 year old's clothes. So what - they were on the floor - they were still clean - the new baby was no less cared for.

You are going through so much - no wonder you feel anxious and are having negative thoughts. I think we all have them, because we are searching for a reason why this happened to us, and not someone else. Be firm with yourself - you did nothing to bring this on your family. I know you are a good mother to Maxie and Baby M, and whilst you may feel anxious and guilty, do try and focus on how you have acted (or not acted - eg I bet you aren't drinking vodka)- concentrate on all the positive things you have done for both your boys.

I hope this doesn't sound patronising. I'm aware it could sound a bit preachy. It is just that I have been there, grieving so badly, frightened and pregnant - and my heart aches for you - and I wanted to say something constructive. People kept telling me not to be terrified, and it used to piss me off. What did they know?

Unknown said...

Abby, while I haven't lost a child I know about grieving while pregnant and about being scared you could lose a child before they are even born. Want to know a secret? My daughter will be one this week and she doesn't have a bedroom. I didn't buy a co-sleeper or any clothes or anything at all before she was born. I was too scared. She was in the hospital for a month after she was born, and now her crib is in our room. It started out there because I was afraid to tempt fate after losing my mom and almost losing her in utero. Now its there not because we don't have a room, but because I can only sleep if I hear her breathing.
What other people say or think doesn't matter. Your love for Maxie is beautiful. So is your love and concern for Baby M. You do what you need to do for your sanity and his well being. Grieving is a process, and other people need to understand that everyone grieves on their own time and in their own way.
I can only imagine how scared you are feeling right now, but know there are many people out here reading your blog and thinking good thoughts for you, your boys and Ted as you go through all of this.

NikaM said...

"I try my hardest to not think at all."

Yup. I wasn't very good at it though.

I'm hoping the "one day at a time" thing gets easier for you.

Egreeno said...

I'm so sorry Abby! Susan is so right; you did absolutely nothing to bring this on! I also think it's totally normal to not want to go in Maxie’s room. I feel like it’s a good thing to protect yourself in any way you can. I wish with all my heart that I could assure you of something about the past or future that would allow you some peace in the present!

robyn said...

with all that you have been through i think it's understandable that you are scared. you were nothing but a fabulous mother to maxie and will be the same to baby m. i don't believe that you did anything wrong to deserve what you are going through and i wish you didn't have to go through any of this. i pray and believe that good things will happen to you again. i love you.

Friend said...

Please know that people who you don't even think about think about you every day and want more than most things in the world for you to be happy, Abby, or as close as you can possibly come. And we believe that will happen soon for you. said...

Im sorry Abby. After we lost Jayden we moved from the house. Jared packed everything and I watch we cry and cry for hours and the room took us several days because we just broke down so much. And now I have found randomly socks and I brake down all the time. I do ask myself so many times what did I do? And that is because we all did not deserved this. We shouldnt have to loose our babies. My heart brakes just thinking. Unfortunately I cant stop thinking and its making me literally really sick. But Im following your advice and trying to be gentle. Many huggs.