The waiting game

We've been given little tid bits of information about what might have killed Maxie all week.  The information we have received so far is minimal, but scary.  The geneticists use words like "uncharted territory" and "likely cause".  What I DO know is that the outcome of the tests that I was really praying for (that there would be no genetic cause), is likely not the outcome that I will get.  Obviously, if there was a genetic cause for Maxie's death, Baby M has a chance of inheriting the same lethal genes - this is why I would have rather paid for a test that yielded no answers than for a test that did.  So now it looks like our chances of a healthy baby that lives goes from 1 in 2,000 to 1 in 4.  And, I know that  75% chance of survival is something I should celebrate (though I am pretty sure you wouldn't), but I know a secret you don't know - THE UNIVERSE IS UNJUST.  You still think there is justice and that is sweet and tender.  I learned, when my baby died, that there is no justice.  But, my family keeps saying "We don't have all of the information.  We need to wait to find out what exactly they have learned".  They are right.  I tend to let my fears dictate my mood these days.  I know that losing Baby M is not an option for us....we just couldn't take it.  Really.  So, now I am playing the waiting game - this effing horrible game that I am playing on top of the grieving game and the depression game and the angry game.  I am waiting for the geneticists to try and convey to us all that they have learned and then come up with a plan of action to give Baby M his best shot.  If I thought I was already living my worst nightmare, I wasn't.  It seems to get worse all of the time....and all the while, I am just missing my little boy.  I miss him so much it feels like my heart will just stop beating (I should be so lucky).  I miss his little lips and his big beautiful eyes and his funny personality.  There is no way I would live through this again.  Absolutely no way.