Get your sleep now
I am 34 weeks pregnant. If all goes
according to plan, I have just 6 weeks left to go before Baby M gets
here. Of course, I know that plans mean nothing – Max was a month
early - something that I LOVED at the time. I couldn't wait to meet
him. One month early felt like the biggest gift in the world. Of
course, the other thing that didn't go according to plan was losing
him after only nine and a half months. I had planned our whole
future together. I want Baby M to cook inside of me as long as possible. Max's
early arrival is one of the MANY things I pray did not cause my baby
to die.
At 34 weeks pregnant with Max, I did
not sleep well. I had a lot of work things on my mind constantly,
like a trip I was helping to organize for two of my board members to
go to Israel and meet with the Mayor of Be'er Sheva. In fact, the
night that my water broke, I was still emailing details to them and
to the Israel contact while in the car on the way to the
hospital....and then from my hospital bed.
We were also still working on our
kitchen renovation (I should say TED was working on our kitchen
renovation) and we were staying at my mother's house. We were so
lucky to be able to stay there. Trust me. I know it was a blessing.
But, Ted is too tall for the guest bed so we were sleeping on a
mattress on the floor, which was actually quite comfortable but SO
hard for me to get up from for my hourly visits to the bathroom.
It's my fault really. I could have slept on the guest bed, but I
wanted to stay next to Ted. There was also a heat wave and our room
was not really getting air conditioning.
Ok – but really, it was being super
pregnant that was making sleep so impossible. It is hard to sleep
when you are super big and there are a million hormones surging
through your body and there is a little dude inside of you who always
wakes up and starts looking for a comfortable position inside of your
body as soon as you lay down.
Ted and I always thought the most
ridiculous thing that people said to us was, “Get your sleep now,
while you can”. First of all – who was sleeping? Secondly, can
you bank sleep? I wasn't aware. It was just one of those things
people say. What they mean is “I know something you don't know.
You aren't going to get much sleep when your baby comes! Your life
is going to change SO much!”. Of course, that is true, but I still
think that you can't prepare for it. Sleep your face off, it won't
do much good once the baby comes.
Which brings me to my next point –
which is, I've been sleeping my face off. I have ALWAYS been a good
sleeper. In the past, I was out the second my head hit the pillow.
These days, I have a little bit of trouble falling asleep but once I
am sleeping, it literally lasts for a minimum of ten hours. MINIMUM.
The only time my life seems manageable is when I am asleep. That is
probably not a good sign. My grief counselor says it is fine – it
is restorative. Other grieving parents have told me that they also
slept a lot in the first couple of years. Of course, I didn't sleep
much at all in the first four months after losing Max – so, does
that banking sleep thing work in the opposite direction? Could I be
making up for all of the sleep I lost?
What I know is that it doesn't matter
if I sleep fifteen hours a day until my little peanut gets here, it
won't help me through the sleepless nights of nursing. But, see, the
difference between this time and last time is I DO know what it is
like to not get enough sleep with a newborn. But, I have a
comparison that most other mothers do not have. I ALSO know what it
is like to get no sleep because you have no baby to wake up to or
for and because you are haunted by the nightmare of your tragic loss. I am thrilled that in just a few (long) weeks, I get to be up
all night again with a newborn. In fact, I am trying to sleep the
time away, in part, to get there quicker. Hopefully, all of this
sleep I am getting now will come in handy when I can't get it later....AS IF!
2 comments
i can relate to this too. i slept horribly while pg with our girl. grief and being very pregnant make for a terrible combination. i had many sleepless nights due to constant worry about her.
a few months before our girl was born i overheard my coworker complaining about being so "sick and tired of being tired" because his newborn was keeping him up during the night. i was infuriated.
I think becoming a mother again is really different. I remember some idiot wrote on my work leaving card - enjoy your babymoon. Tosser.
First time motherhood is a bit of a shock - you get so little time to yourself, and I think that takes some getting used to. Losing a child is a far bigger shock. When M was born I just fell back into being a mother again. It was easy compared to the worry and pain of having empty arms xx
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