Blue

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

I've been pretty blue the past two days.  Really missing Max.  I STILL can't believe he isn't here.  I feel totally deserving of getting to watch my two boys grow up and become adults.  I am not sure why I won't get that privilege in this lifetime.  I want so badly to know what Max would be like now - talking, walking, playing, giving kisses and hugs.  I really do feel like we deserved that.  I really feel like Max deserved it.  My heart aches for him.  It is clear that the general feeling is that it is time for me to move on,,,I'm still not sure how to move on from my child.  He was so cute and sweet.  I was so connected to him.  I am constantly trying to reconnect.  The assumption is that Mo has taken all of my pain away. He hasn't...he's just brought the light back to my incredibly dark world.  And I love Mo so much! I can't wait for zoo days with him and merry-go-rounds and Disneyland and then I remind myself not to get too ahead of myself.  I hate that I can't daydream about our future together.


5 comments:

Tiffany Torres said...

i'm so sorry. your family doesn't deserve to feel this kind of pain. i wish he was still here with you guys, and his new little brother. sending you my love.

Rebecca said...

Abby, who is assuming that Mo has taken your pain away? Whoever it is, whatever they think should have no bearing on how you really feel. What is that famous quote? "What other people think of me is none of my business?" Nobody else matters right now...just you, and Ted, and Mo. (And always Max.) Daydreaming about the future helped me. But it was hard in the beginning.

jessica said...

You, Ted, Maxie and Mo all deserved that. I am so sorry that Maxie is not here with you all. And I'm so sorry that Maxie doesn't get to experience all of those things - most especially the love of all of you - here on earth. Nobody else can tell you to "move on". You can't, and shouldn't have to, move on from your child. You can have light and joy in your life again, and it's wonderful that you do, but, you will always miss your Maxie. It may get easier to navigate as time moves forward but you will miss Maxie forever. I am so sorry that your Maxie is gone. And I am heartbroken for you that you can't daydream about your future - so much has been taken from you guys, it is just so unfair. I love you all very much. xo

robyn said...

jessica said it all so well. i am sorry that maxie didn't get to live his life and you didn't get to share in it as you should have been able to. it isn't fair. you will grieve for your child, no one could expect any different because this isn't something one can just move on from. i am so sorry for this devastating loss. i love you.

Kim said...

I want to yell at everyone, "Mo is not Max! Max is not Mo!" You said it so right, Mo brought light into your darkness, but he will never replace Maxie or make that loss go away. You deserve to see your boys grow up together, and you also deserve the space to continue missing your firstborn boy, in whichever way you choose.

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