I miss Max

Monday, August 6, 2012

I miss Max SO much and I blurt it out like a non sequitur all of the time.  I usually am compelled to say how much I miss him when we are enjoying a good joke, or watching something on television, or gazing lovingly at Mo, or sitting around with family talking about what's going on with them, anything else that might bring the people around me a brief period of joy.  I squash the joy immediately because my missing or Max is so soul crushing that I can't stop myself.  And, I feel like I am betraying him by enjoying the joke, or the show, or the story or even Mo.  How can I allow joy to happen when he is not here?  I am a terrible person.  Of course, I am just as terrible for not allowing joy to happen.  I won't give anyone, not even my husband, a respite.  It causes some of the worst tension in my life - with my husband, with my parents, with other family.  Ted misses Max too - in the same soul crushing way.  But, he doesn't say it all of the time....because, as he says, where does that get him?  When I say it, mostly he doesn't respond...because what is there to say?  When I say, "I miss Max", I guess I am hoping that I will hear back, "I miss him too" but that isn't fair of me.  I am forcing a moment.  I am forcing pain into a joyful moment.  I don't know why I do it except for that underneath everything, I feel so much pain.  Honestly, I didn't think it was possible to feel this much pain.  But, when I think about Max, I wonder how anyone would expect a mother who has lost a nine month old baby to feel anything else.  Still, I should know by now to keep it to myself.  When I say it out loud, it gets me nowhere.  Nobody says a thing (and they shouldn't.  Their reasons are good.  It hurts them to talk about it).  I don't feel less pain for having said it.  In fact, it often makes me feel more pain because I isolate myself by not enjoying the joke, or the movie, or the story (I always enjoy Mo...I just wish Max was here to enjoy him as well.  We'd probably be calling Mo "Mini-me" because he is such a mini Max.)  I isolate myself by expressing my hugest pain and getting no response.  I keep promising that I will stop but it is just sitting under the surface of everything and it is killing me.  So, I'll continue to say it here, at least, and work on shutting myself down more in the company of others (because eventually, nobody will want to be around me).

I miss Max!  I miss him so much it hurts in my heart - I can feel the pain in my chest!  I miss him so much and it is SO unfair!  It is so unfair that I have to learn to live without him!  That I have to "find a place for him"!  That I have to find a way to be graceful through all of this pain.  It is so unfair that he won't get to live the life that he deserved.  He was sweet and happy and smart and loving and loved and he is just gone off this earth and it makes me sick and sad all of the time.  I miss Max!  I long for him!  Part of me is dying to get to the end of this life so I can be with him again!  I miss Max!  I MISS MAX!  I MISS MAX!  I MISS HIM!  I MISS HIM SO MUCH!  Oh my god!  I miss him.  I miss my baby.
There, I said it.

I miss him.

I miss him.

I miss him

9 comments:

jkbrumbaugh@gmail.com said...

Abby it so normal and natural for you to miss him. I feel the exact same way, I miss Jayden I say it at random times and I don't get a response even from my husband Jared I know its not fair for me to expect one but I miss my Jayden everyday. I can not hold back from screaming sometimes that I miss him. I feel guilty if I feel joy because he is not here that is the painful reality. I'm sure that every bereaced mom understands. Love you and thinking of you. Mo is as beautiful as his brother Maxie.

Lindseynl23 said...

I miss my sons too. I feel just like you feel in a room of people, I want to blurt it out except I can't. I feel like I can't bestow my pain on anyone else including my husband. I know he misses them too, sometimes I just want him to say it, so I know I'm not alone in my pain. I envy you for being able to say you miss Max in the most inopportune moments, I can only think it. Thinking of you and Max.

greg said...

How could you not miss that perfect little boy? I am so sorry you lost Maxie Abs. It's so unfair. Thinking of all of you today.

Susan Ireland said...

I miss him too - and I didn't even meet him. I think it was your description where you said he loved life that did it... and that photo in his navy shirt in the top right hand corner - he looks so "here", I could jump into the page and scoop him up. I miss that we are not hanging out somewhere having a good time - and this maybe the crux - when you meet someone you like, it sort of makes their kids grow on you... and I miss that we aren't the fun, happy, good-to-hang-out with people that we obviously used to be, and we don't get to chill out with each other, and with Maxie and Catherine.

I'm familar with what you're describing too. It is just part of it. People grieve differently and at different times. I haven't quite mastered it yet - and drag my husband down at times - or look to him desperately for support he can't give - but I think the answer is to rely more on other sources. I use my blog to vent. I have a facebook group of bereaved mums I quite like. There is a UK helpline where a bereaved parent will always answer. I think if you top up with other sources of support it may reduce your need - or it may not. Time does it too...

I really miss her. I miss her every day. I just say it less xx

Lanie said...

I believe that there are not rules for being a bereaved parent. I think that you need to do whatever you can do to get throught the moment, the hour or the day. You don't have to find a place for Max - I think that he is part of you all the time.
I wish all of our children could be with us physically in this life. I wish I could say morthe right words to ease the pain but I know that those words do not exist (short of telling you this is all a big mistake and returning Max to your arms). Sending you peace and hugs.

Sarah P. said...

This is one place where you can always say you miss Maxie. Anyone who comes to this blog day after day is making a statement that they are here to listen to you say it a million different ways. You will always have an audience with me. I cannot imagine the depth of your longing for that sweet boy, but I know it is endless and deep and profound. Please continue to tell us about him, his life, his personality, and all the ways you love and miss him so.

Katespitser said...

Maxie will be missed forever, so go ahead and say it whenever you feel like saying it. If it doesn't fit in with what is going on around you don't worry.....others will adjust. It's better to be true to those feelings than bottle it up to make people feel more comfortable. Love you--I miss Max too--everyone here reading every day misses him and wishes we could bring him back. Mo will grow up learning all about about his amazing brother. I bet hearing Max stories will become part of Mo's favorite bedtime ritual. xo

TM said...

You need to feel what you are feeling until you don't feel it anymore. You won't always "force pain into a joyful moment" and one day you will stop feeling guilty about feeling joy. It will happen. It just sucks that you don't know when. My guess is that until sweet Mo is at least in Kindergarten your heart and soul will always be in a state of flux; the juxtaposition of such intense pain with overwhelming joy is gut-wrenching. IMO the two extreme emotions produce the same physical reaction; it's no wonder you're in such a state. I think what people can't understand is that your family will always be -1. While everyone wants you to focus on the three people in your immediately family; you can't get past the fact that it is supposed to be four. That half-empty view will probably never transition into a complete half-full view but one day you will be able to just say "it isn't completely full, but it sure as hell ain't empty.". One day!!

robyn said...

of course you miss your beautiful son and you have every right to scream it whenever and where ever you want. no one would expect you to cover up or hide your feelings, or at least no one should. you will continue to have many good things in your life, baby mo being a huge one right now, but it does not take away the pain you feel having lost the other love of your life. i think of you all the time and love you sooooo much abby. hugs to you, ted, mo and maxie.

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