Rage

Thursday, August 16, 2012

I am raging!  I am beside myself with RAGE!  I am raging because MY MAX DIED!  I am angry as all hell that right in the middle of the most perfect point of my life - it all came crashing down.  I am not angry because you said or didn't say the right thing.  I am not angry that the world keeps spinning (although I find it totally unsettling).  I am not angry that you haven't been here for me.  I am ENRAGED that Max is gone.  He was the most lovely, sweet, adoring, beautiful boy.  He was supposed to go to the local temple for preschool and take a vacation to Hawaii with his daddy and I and go to the local schools (which are supposed to be wonderful - part of the reason we moved here) and visit with cousins and have playdates, and go to summer camp and have a bar mitzvah, and graduate from high school and and and and.....  MY SORROW, MY DEVASTATION, MY RAGE is because Max is gone.  Max is GONE!  I have no more Max.  I conceived him, I carried him, I birthed him - he is gone.  I sang to him, I soothed him, I rocked him to sleep - he is gone.  I loved him, I cherished him, I  felt joy and pride - he is gone.  THAT IS WHY I AM RAGING!  THAT IS WHY!!!!!!!

7 comments:

jessica said...

I am so, so sorry Abs. It is beyond unfair. xo

Bianca said...

Your rage and sorrow makes perfect sense and Maxie not being here is what makes no sense at all. My heart is broken for what you and Ted and Mo are missing and most of all for everything that Max will not experience. It is beyond unfair and cruel. I wish with everything that I was sharing in Maxie's first days at preschool, his bar mitzvah, his wedding, and everything in between and after that. I will miss him and love him forever. I will always be devastated for your family not being together.

Tiffany Torres said...

well said. yes, all my anger stems from the simple fact that my son is no longer here. some people want to make it about them, but it's not and never will be.

Marla said...

My heart will forever be broken for you, Ted and for Max. I am so sorry Abby. Beyond sorry....

Leslie said...

I too feel your Rage. Every day. You should be kissing and squeezing both babies and it is not right that Maxie was lost to this wonderful life you, Teddy and Mo now share. Luv u lots Abs. Noz.

Jayden's Mommy said...

Its so completely unfair and painful. And you have all the rights to feel like that I'm angry as well- really raging because its just not right we miss and love our babies and they deserve to be with us.

Kate said...

It is so unfair that Max is gone--a loss beyond words or comprehension. Sending love.

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