Rage

I am raging!  I am beside myself with RAGE!  I am raging because MY MAX DIED!  I am angry as all hell that right in the middle of the most perfect point of my life - it all came crashing down.  I am not angry because you said or didn't say the right thing.  I am not angry that the world keeps spinning (although I find it totally unsettling).  I am not angry that you haven't been here for me.  I am ENRAGED that Max is gone.  He was the most lovely, sweet, adoring, beautiful boy.  He was supposed to go to the local temple for preschool and take a vacation to Hawaii with his daddy and I and go to the local schools (which are supposed to be wonderful - part of the reason we moved here) and visit with cousins and have playdates, and go to summer camp and have a bar mitzvah, and graduate from high school and and and and.....  MY SORROW, MY DEVASTATION, MY RAGE is because Max is gone.  Max is GONE!  I have no more Max.  I conceived him, I carried him, I birthed him - he is gone.  I sang to him, I soothed him, I rocked him to sleep - he is gone.  I loved him, I cherished him, I  felt joy and pride - he is gone.  THAT IS WHY I AM RAGING!  THAT IS WHY!!!!!!!