If you can't beat 'em
Monday, August 27, 2012
If you spent time with me today, you'd probably see lots of my old personality coming through. I'd make jokes, I'd ask about your kids, I'd tell you funny things about Mo. Chances are that if I let my pain seep through in your presence, I'd clean it up pretty quick. People seem to like me a whole lot better this way. I have avoided a lot of "tough love" lately by just not mentioning Max or my broken heart. People are kinder to me when I keep my feelings to myself. If I dare bring it up, I am mostly ignored...like I didn't say whatever it was that I said. I often wonder if everyone else around me is also faking it. Are we all just sitting around faking it together? I know that if they are also faking it, they would not bring up their pain to me because they are afraid it would "open up the flood gates" and that bothers and upsets them. Other people are so much better at being dead on the inside than me. I envy them. So, I do my best to shove it down deep inside and pretend like it isn't there. As I force myself to grow more dead on the inside with regard to Max, I grow more dead on the inside with regard to everyone else (except Mo) as well. I am unable to allow my positive emotions to flourish (like love and attachment and joy) while suppressing the negative ones (like fear and sorrow and heartbreak). I just cannot do it. I am just working hard to emotionally detach as much as possible (I am not allowing myself to emotionally detach from Mo though because he deserves to be loved every bit as much as I love his brother - which was completely and with utter devotion). I wonder if the detachment is good or bad. I guess it is "good" on the one hand - because if I lost anyone else (except Mo), it wouldn't be nearly as painful because the deader I get on the inside, the less attached I am to anyone I ever felt close to. It's "Bad", on the other hand - because I can't figure out the purpose of any of my emotional attachments at all if I have to work this hard to deaden myself to them. I guess none of it actually really matters anyway. What matters is that I am able act like everything is ok so that eventually maybe I will feel like everything is. I think I am finally starting to get the hang of it.
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Do you know any local bereaved mums Abby? If you were in Scotland, you could come hang out with me, and we could eat scones and clotted cream, and play with the babies and chat....I think you probably need people you can be real with... xx
I have really wanted to meet other bereaved moms who have lost babies. The few I've met, I'm afraid I scared off by being so blue. They were further along in their grief and I think my deep devastation was too much for them. Perhaps I bring them back too early grief in a frightening way. I can understand it for sure. I honestly feel like nothing has changed in some ways. I miss him SO much. I am better at faking it is all and mostly, I feel less connected to everyone I once loved. I DO wish I lived in Scotland. I like scones and clotted cream sounds good and indulgent. I hope we meet someday. Ted and I would love to get to your part of the world in the next few years.
I think finding other bereaved moms that you can talk to in person might be helpful, too. In the real world, I am very reserved when talking about my loss. At least, I'm picky about who I share my feelings with. It was actually making me feel WORSE to share my feelings and be met with discomfort or ignorance than it was to keep it bottled up. After about a year or so I realized that there were only a couple of people in my life that really wanted to listen and were okay with me being emotional and needy and I was okay with that. I was myself around them. The others...I hid it. There is a certain amount of faking it until you make it but you have to have someone that you can be real with. I don't think it's about being emotionally detached at all-I think it's about protecting yourself. We are still in the early stages here and, frankly, some people have been so crappy to us that they don't deserve to know how we are really doing. They don't deserve to be privy to our real emotions. (It does remind me of my fake anti-Christmas newsletter that I considered sending out last year-the one that REALLY told all of our news. :)
I mentioned to you last week I interact with a lot of people, I counted at least 150 people every week between friends, family, acquaintances and strangers. There is only 2 friends that live an hour away from me that I can be me, that I can vent to, that I can scream my pain out. With everyone else I force myself to be "OKAY", because either it bothers them, it hurts them or simply they don't deserve to know. We all love you Abby and your boys I wish you were closer. Kira
Acting is exactly what I have been doing since Jake and then Sawyer died. (there are days when I think I should be nominated for an academy award). No awards yet . . . Take care.
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