We're not fixed

We are not fixed.  WE ARE NOT FIXED!  There is no fix for losing a child.  There is no fixing the fact that our Maxie died and we miss him SO much.  And, I know most people know that but I also know that there are many people who do think we are fixed.  There were people at the bris that pretty much expressed their feelings that every thing is ok now.  They congratulated my mom and told her that they were so glad that the nightmare is now over.  They told me to concentrate on my new family, implying that I should forget the "old" (as if there are two separate families).  And, normally I would be quick to point out that nothing makes it ok but I decided to just let them think what they want.  In most cases (but not all), those guests were once removed - not people who really know Ted and I personally.  But, my parents aren't fixed either.  And, in many ways I feel like I have been thrown back to the six month mark of my grief and at least 20 times a day I relive getting the phone call that Max stopped breathing and my heart stops.  And I miss him so much that every part of my body aches - and it is grief, not hormones or postpartum depression or pains from the delivery.  And, I know it would be so easy to blame it on a lack of sleep - but I haven't slept this well in a year.  And you could say that I am suffering from postpartum depression, but I feel totally engaged in the care and love of Mo.  In fact, it am finding it SO much easier this time around because I know what I am doing.  Taking care of Mo isn't at all overwhelming and it was sometimes during the first three months with Max.  No.  It isn't any of those things.  It is the absence of my child, who I love completely, who I believe is a soulmate to me, and who I have lived many lifetimes with (if such a thing exists).  He is the boy whose smile set my heart soaring and always brought a smile to my face.  And now his entire lifetime has been reduced to the 55 hours of his death.  And, I am so broken and sad.  My heart is in a million pieces and nothing feels right...everything is totally off and wrong...and let's face it, my life feels ruined and incomplete.  We will never have our two boys together.  We will never be able to raise our baby Max and see him grow up and OH MY GOD - the weight of it is unbearable and I am breathless.  And I even kind of hate the people who think we are fixed.  And, I HATE that I have to live with this burden and I hate the flashbacks of the call and the ER and the chaplain and running to find my car and chasing an abulance and getting to the PICU to find my baby brain dead, hooked up to machines, and then dying a day later in Ted's arms.  I HATE IT!

So, STOP thinking we are fixed because we can smile again.  STOP IT!  We will never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever be OVER "this".  "This" is HIM - our Maxie.  My love for him grows each day.  Today, I am grateful for two things.  I am grateful that I am one day closer to being with Max and I am grateful that Mo has made it to see one day older.  This is our reality.

Snuggling with Mo

Maxie always in my heart


Chantel said...

I am sorry. I wish I had something more eloquent to say - that would help a little more but I don't. I am just so sorry. Your boys are beautiful.

Sarah P. said...

Abby it is so unfair it makes me sick. I cannot believe that anyone in their right mind would think, much less suggest, that all is 100% better and wonderful and easy now that Mo has arrived. How could anything ever be "fixed" without the return of your sweet baby Max? It is horrendous. I am so sorry that you are not only faced with this devastating reality, but also faced with people who simply don't get it and who are, in fact, so clueless they put their ignorance right in your face time and time again. I am so so sorry. Hugs to you and your sweet little Mo.

Bryan Tobin said...

While I'd never wish "this" pain we share onto anyone, I'd like to be able to have the people who think that we should be over "this" b/c we have had another child actually feel "this" pain just for one minute. I'd also like them to know how hurtful it is when someone refers to the death of our children as "this" instead of by their name just for one minute. Maybe then they'd realize how deep their comments cut.

greg said...

Abby - So sorry you have to keep dealing with this. I can't really understand why people are so compelled to make you "better" and so unable to understand that you won't be. We are all so happy for the arrival of Mo and so heartbroken for the loss of Maxie. It never was and never will be fair.

Taryn said...

Well said. I am glad that you are letting people know how their actions (or lack of action in some cases) is hurting you. I am sad that your heartbreak is not treated with respect, thus adding to your pain. The LAST thing you need is more pain. I am so sorry.

I think these tender pictures are so beautiful...brought tears to my eyes.