It is time for me to cut out all of the nonsense. I have to concentrate on getting through the next month and then the months after that - leading to Mo's first birthday - as best as I can. As Ted explained last night, we've been treading water for a very long time now....just barely keeping our heads above the water. Then these things come up - like anniversaries or memories or outside drama - and it is like we are then expected to carry these bricks....and our legs are just too tired. I don't have enough in me to take on the additional weight so I am just dropping it all. If my load cannot be lightened or shared by a situation or person - then I cannot invite them into the water with me. I woke up to go to the bathroom last night and awoke with the knowledge that nothing outside of the mental, emotional and physical health of my family really matters right now. We are on the verge of drowning and I need to focus on keeping us afloat. Everything else is a brick. Considering what we've been through, what we've lost, what we've seen with our own eyes - taking on all of these bricks is just ridiculous, unhealthy, unwise. All that matters is Max is gone. All that matters is that Mo is here. All of the rest of it is nonsense and drama. I don't need it. I can't handle it anyway. I've got more important stuff to concentrate on.
Ted just sent me this song:
Fell on Black Days - Chris Cornell
What'soever I've feared
Has come to life
And what'soever I've fought off
Became my life.
Just when everyday
Seemed to greet me with a smile
Sunspots have faded
And now I'm doing time
Now I'm doing time
'Cause I fell on black days
I fell on black days (Black days)
Whomsoever I've cured
I've sickened now
And whomsoever I've cradled
I've put you down
I'm a search light soul
They say
But I can't see it
In the night
I'm only faking when I get it right
When I get it right
'Cause I fell on black days
I fell on black days
How would I know
That this could be my fate?
How would I know
That this could be my fate?
(Bridge)
To what you wanted to see good
Has made you blind
And what you wanted to be yours
Has made it mine
So don't you lock up something
That you wanted to see fly
Hands are for shaking
No, not tying
No, not tying
I sure don't mind a change
I sure don't mind a change
Yeah, I sure don't mind
I sure don't mind a change
I sure don't mind a change
'Cause I fell on black days
I fell on black days (Black days)
How would I know
That this could be my fate?
How would I know
That this could be my fate?
How would I know
That this could be my fate?
How would I know
That this could be my fate?
I sure don't mind a change....
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3 comments
You are so very wise. This is an incredibly tender and critical time in your lives, and your energies cannot be used up on anything other than what your soul dictates moment by moment. I hope people will be gentle with their expectations of you, and know that you are doing some the most important work of your life right now. My prayers are with you and your family.
I always look forward to reading your posts. You capture so much of what I am feeling and I identify with what you are experiencing. Thanks for putting it into words.
Taryn said it perfectly. Focus on what YOU need right now. No one else matters except the people sleeping under your roof every night. Thinking of you lots during this very hard time.
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