If Mo were on Maxie's schedule

This morning I took Mo to the pediatrician for his nine month appointment.  He is 30 1/2 inches long and 21 pounds.  He looks great, she said.  This appointment comes at the exact same timing that Max's nine month appointment did - exactly one week after his nine month birthday.  If Mo were on Max's schedule, he would stop breathing on Sunday and Tuesday would be our last day with him.  If Mo were on Maxie's schedule, these would be my last days with him.  I'm furious about losing Max - completely out of my mind furious.

I spoke to my great-aunt Harriet a couple of weeks ago.  She is also a bereaved mother.  I was telling her how I feel like I am going a little crazy with worry and doubt.  She said that every person has their own path.  Maxie's path will not be Mo's.  I listened, but I could not hear her.  A little later in the afternoon, I took Mo for a stroll, and it occurred to me that maybe she is right - in fact, she MUST be right.  Life is way too random (as I know WAY too well) for the exact thing that happened to Max to happen on the exact day to Mo.  Right?  RIGHT?!!!!!!!

Another mother I know her lost her 15 month old wrote to me recently and said that one thing that keeps them going is that it rarely ever happens to the same family twice....but, she pointed out, that doesn't make the loss of our child any easier.....it just means that for now at least, it may not get any harder.  When you go through life, as I do now, always expecting tragedy, horror and trauma, it is nice to think that things may not get worse.


jessica said...

I wish I had the perfect thing to say that would make all your fear, worry and heartache vanish. Sadly, I don't. I hope that this week passes as gently as possible for you and Teddy. I will be thinking of you guys, Mo and Maxie and I will be sending all of my strength and love. xoxo

Taryn said...

This hurts. I'm so, deeply sorry!