Keeping my blinds closed

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

I keep the blinds closed on our front window all of the time.  Occasionally Ted, or our nanny or the housekeeper will open them up.  I usually indulge whoever it is for a while but then quickly close them up again.  I hate seeing the outside world.  I hate letting the light in.  Same goes for the curtains that cover the sliding glass doors to our deck from our bedroom and the small window near my desk.  I like them all closed.  I hate the reminder that people are out there, still living like they were before July 19, 2011.  I hate that they might be able to see in and see us - grieving, laughing, crying, living.  I don't want to see them either.  I am not a part of "them".  I still like to choose my company.  It's very hard for me to be myself around people who don't know - or who do and choose to ignore it - or who I am just not close to.  I don't know why.  I could overanalyze it I suppose, but I choose not to.  I am tired.  I just do what makes me comfortable because I am always about 1 inch away from the edge and I really, really don't want to step over it.  Some people think this means I am self indulgent or selfish or whatever they think because I don't really know.  I just know that they get mad at me.  They don't have dead children and as much as they say they get it, they don't.  It is obvious that they don't get it.  If they got it, they would try to make us feel comfortable, knowing how difficult life is for us.  Instead, they hate that I am still trying to control conversation by admitting that certain topics make me uncomfortable, or scared or hurt my feelings.  They get mad that I have a hard time being around them or their friends.  I don't know what to say.  My only defense is that my son died and that I don't have a protective layer anymore.  That isn't good enough for some people anymore and I get that...but, it doesn't change the fact that I put my sanity at risk whenever I leave my bubble and I wish that the people who once loved me would consider that from time to time instead of getting angry.  I am not who I was and I think it is selfish of them to expect me to be that strong.  It's a difference of opinion and I don't care if they are mad.  I need to take care of myself and my little family first.  I can't be around people who cannot be sensitive to us...not yet at least.  So, I am keeping the blinds closed for now (both actually and metaphorically).  It just is what it is.  Knowing what I can handle has been my saving grace.  It has kept me from falling off the ledge.

* I loved the many guesses about who the Levy family might be.  "Mrs Levy" wrote me yesterday.  Somehow married names really trip me up.  All of you who still call me Abby Fleishman Leviss will understand.  Thank you Leslie and family for the book!  We love it.  XOXO

1 comment:

Tiffany Torres said...

i still choose my company, and get very nervous when meeting new people and in certain social situations. it's so hard for me to open up to the "others". i'm so scared someone will end up saying something that will hurt me more. so i close myself up. my counselor wants me to work on that with her. but i'm not convinced there's anything wrong with that way of living ;)

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