Acting out in my dreams

Sunday, April 21, 2013

The night before last I had a very vivid dream.  I woke up unclear about whether it was true or not.  I dreamt that a woman I know lost her oldest child.  This woman I know is one of the people who has been running around telling everyone that it is time for me to get over Max.  I don't talk to her anymore but I did in the first year after losing Max, because everyone told me that she meant well.  In those days, every time I heard from her or saw her, it would set me back in my grief.  I would end up in arguments with her about why I am allowed to be overwhelmed with sadness.  She would say she understood but then would say awful things to me.  I know she "meant well", but I don't talk to her now.  My heart cannot take it...no matter how much "well" she meant.  Sometimes just thinking about the things she said and wrote to me makes my blood boil.  They say it is easier to be angry than in grief...maybe that is why I get SO incredibly angry.

I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy....I really wouldn't.  But I am embarrassed to say that sometimes, I would like those well meaners to feel it for just a moment - or maybe an hour..then maybe they would stop judging.  Maybe instead of EVERYTHING else that they could say, they would just say, "I am so sorry.  You didn't deserve this.  Ted didn't deserve this.  And, most of all Max didn't."  Or something along those lines.

I guess my subconscious mind agrees, because I very vividly dreamt that this woman's child died and that the woman I am talking about fell apart.  And, in the dream, I was incredibly unkind to her.  She came to me because she knew that I understood, but I threw all of the stupid stuff she said back in her face, knowing that she was in hell.

I know that if someone I knew ever actually lost a child, I would do everything I could to comfort them.  I would.  Even if they have been terrible to me.  End of story.  Though I think there was a reason my mind put this particular dream together and I was somewhat disappointed that I woke up in the middle of the dream even - I sort of wanted to see where it went.  I guess I wanted to continue to be unkind to her in my dream - a place where I think it is ok to be unkind and where you might even be able to let yourself off the hook for being so unkind.

I didn't ask for the dream....I am sure that it is enraging to know that my brain conjures up these stories ....I fully expect to hear from "anonymous"....but I am not sure I have much control and I figured I'd share.  Something tells me that I am not the only one "acting out" while I am asleep.

1 comment:

Nika M. said...

I've had dreams like that. I think we all do, at least at some point.

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