Hard Days

Last week was so hard.  I just felt Maxie's absence SO deeply.  It hurt all of the time - all day long.  On Thursday, all I wanted to do was lay in bed and cry....but I can't now.  I've gotta take care of Mo...I have a job to do.  But, I was WAITING for his nap so I could just cry and cry.  I needed to let it out of my system or I was going to bust.  The housekeeper was here and my house is so small, so I took a blanket out onto the front lawn, curled into a ball and bawled.  Finally, I called my friend Glenda.  She really talked me down.  I felt so much better after our conversation.  I know her road has been SO hard...but she has a wonderful attitude and she believes that we are doing this hard work for a reason.  She says that she doesn't know what that reason is...but there MUST be a reason.  In my heart, I know she is right.  But, holy moly it is SOOO hard.  I miss Max so much.

Yesterday, I read about a woman who lost a second child after losing her first to SIDS and it just about broke me.  I can only imagine the pain of losing a second child.  It makes me SO angry!  As we inch closer to 9 months old, I really feel like I am losing my mind.  Passover was an amazing distraction but I still have five weeks to go and I am scared and so raw.  Little pieces of my old self start to surface and then quickly evaporate as the weight of our loss smacks me in the face again and again.  I feel like I will never get off this roller coaster and from what I understand, I may not.  I can't stop thinking about the 10 month onsie sticker.  I cannot wait to stick it on Mo and take pictures.  I'm having a hard time.  That's it.

*We received such a sweet book on Saturday from "The Levy Family".  Do we know you?  If any member of the Levy family is reading, please let me know who you are and thank you so much for the present.  I read it to Mo yesterday and he loved it.  
teddyabby at gmail dot com

1 comment

Tiffany Torres said...

my heart breaks for the family who lost another child after losing one to SIDS. i too "met" a woman who had lost one child to stillbirth and then went on to lose a second son to SIDS. it's unfathomable. and i will never understand why people who are already suffering have to go through even more. i'm sorry you are having such a hard time, but i truly understand. the days leading up to milestones days are so tough. i'm starting to feel it as we approach Julius' 3rd birthday in may. i wish it were different. but if you ever need someone to talk to. i'm just an email away. ((hugs))