Too much to bear

Monday, January 16, 2012

Ted and I went on a long walk around the Hollywood Reservoir yesterday.  It was nice to get out of the house and be "in nature".  As we rounded a few of the corners, we ran into happy families on bikes, little kids being carried in backpacks, a mom or grandma reading a book to a really cute and tiny little girl.  Our faces and hearts just sink, but we get through it.  After our walk, we decided to go the supermarket.  Holy Sh*t!  The market can be the cruelest place ever.  Yesterday, the market was filled with SO MANY cute kids, all loud and chattering.  Parents were talking to their kids and saying, "Do you want bananas?  Does mommy like milk?  Do you want to get turkey for a sandwich?", in cute voices....the way you talk to children.  The voices were getting louder and louder and the kids were on every aisle and the momentum of pain kept building and building until Ted looked at me with terror in his eyes and said, "We need to get out of here!" and I had to put my fingers in my ears and close my eyes.  I think it was the WORST trip to the supermarket we've had since Max passed.  On the way home Ted said, "Let's go straight home and lock the doors!".  The outside world is a horrifying.

The burden of this pain is absolutely unbearable.  What I hear over and over is that you don't "get over" the death of your child, you just learn to live with the hole in your heart.  It is something you will live with until the day you die.  Like I really needed anyone to tell me that anyway.  My love for him continues to grow, even though he has been gone for almost six months.  Of course I will never get over this.  I will never get over Max.  I will never get over my son.  The burden of knowing this is my life...that it will always be hard...that I will always struggle....sometimes, it is just too much for me to bear.  It is too much for anyone to bear.  Even when people remind me that there will be things to smile about again.  That there will be more children, there will be more family vacations, there will be more love and happiness...I know and am fully aware of what they ignore, which is that Max won't get to be there for any of it.  Max won't get to be here for anything.  It's too much to bear.  I just cannot bear it.  I know I will make it through this day and yet, I still feel like if I do, it will be a complete miracle.


2 comments:

Jessica said...

I am so terribly sorry that you and Teddy have to learn how to live with a hole in your hearts. I'm sure people are probably right, that there will be things to smile about again, but it will always be incomplete because Maxie is not here. It is a burden that no parent should have to bear. I am so, so sorry that you and Teddy are learning how to bear it right now. I wish there was a way to ease the burden for you. I wish there was a way to make the outside world a little less horrifying. I know you might not feel like it, but the two of you are incredibly strong and incredibly brave. I love you both very much. I'm sending you, Ted and Maxie all of my love, prayers and strength. xo

rebecca Patrick-Howard said...

I know that I told you you won't ever get over it because I got tired of people telling me that I would. Didn't mean to be offensive. I'm sorry you had a rough day. :-( Sometimes it just creeps up on you like that and those kinds are the worst.

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